Do You Have The Time
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Posted:Sep 20, 2012 9:09 am
Last Updated:Nov 13, 2012 6:30 am
19531 Views
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A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.
Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.
Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"
The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.
With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.
Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."
The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.
Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."
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Negotiations
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Posted:Sep 20, 2012 9:08 am
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 3:42 pm
18550 Views
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Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.
The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."
The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."
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Always by my side
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Posted:Sep 20, 2012 9:07 am
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 3:42 pm
19017 Views
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
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2
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Vampires in a Bar
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Posted:Sep 19, 2012 8:52 pm
Last Updated:Sep 20, 2012 8:39 am
18406 Views
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It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it.
At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.
"Thanks," he says, and leaves.
An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Okay," the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.
An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. "Hi," he says to to the bartender. "I'm a vam..."
"I know, I know," the bartender interrupts. "You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?"
"Um, no," the vampire answers. "I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please."
"Sure" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says "You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?"
Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used band-aid.
"Tea time."
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A Chick with Long Legs
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Posted:Sep 19, 2012 8:50 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 3:42 pm
18326 Views
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A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.
The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."
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The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..
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Posted:Sep 18, 2012 9:34 pm
Last Updated:Sep 20, 2012 8:39 am
18834 Views
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A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!
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True Texan Father
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Posted:Sep 18, 2012 9:32 pm
Last Updated:Sep 20, 2012 8:40 am
18804 Views
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A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"
"Yup, shore am!"
"How much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."
The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."
The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"
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Eucalyptus Road
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Posted:Sep 18, 2012 9:30 pm
Last Updated:Sep 20, 2012 8:41 am
19047 Views
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Sue Ellen passed away so Billy Bob called 911. The operator promised to send someone out immediately and asked him where he lived.
"Right at the end of Eucalyptus Road," Billy Bob replied.
"Could you spell that for me please?" the operator asked.
After a very lengthy pause Billy Bob said, "How 'bout I just drag her on over to Pine Street and y'all can pick her up there?"
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2
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It's the way you say it...
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Posted:Sep 18, 2012 9:28 pm
Last Updated:Sep 20, 2012 8:40 am
19130 Views
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A University of Georgia student was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays.
He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed.
He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.
"Yale," she replied.
The Georgia student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL??"
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Filling out an application
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Posted:Sep 18, 2012 9:27 pm
Last Updated:Sep 20, 2012 8:41 am
18754 Views
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A blonde was filling out a job application form. She quickly filled out the columns entitled: Name, Age, Address, etc.
Finally, she came to the column: Salary Expected.
She wrote, "YES."
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A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
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Posted:Sep 18, 2012 9:25 pm
Last Updated:Sep 20, 2012 9:10 am
19114 Views
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Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.
The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"
Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"
Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it........
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush
Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."
"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...
No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.
Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?
Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."
(ringing)
Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."
Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.
The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.
There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."
Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:
A-Robin
B-Sparrow
C-Cuckoo
D-Thrush"
Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."
Barbara: "You think?"
Maggie: "I'm sure."
Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)
Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"
Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Barbara: "It is."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."
Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."
(clapping)
That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?
Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
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Loitering
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Posted:Aug 3, 2012 9:48 pm
Last Updated:Sep 20, 2012 9:11 am
20012 Views
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A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner people." A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that corner... NOW!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good," chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."
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Gifts from Santa
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Posted:Aug 3, 2012 9:44 pm
Last Updated:Sep 20, 2012 9:11 am
19019 Views
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On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a on his brand new bike. The cop says to the , "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the , the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the , instead of on top."
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