The tough questions
|
Posted:Jun 3, 2007 8:42 pm
Last Updated:Jul 11, 2011 4:30 pm
3357 Views
|
What is it about us that makes us avoid confrontation? I'm not talking about the confrontations that we all (hopefully) try to avoid, like beating the everliving SHIT out of the person at 7-11 who runs up to the counter right after the clerk opens it and says "I can take someone right here", even though you've been waiting patiently for ten minutes and now you're the second person in line and you really have somewhere to be and why the FUCK do they call this place a "convenience store" anyway, when it takes twenty minutes to buy a bottle of water for three bucks that costs a buck and a quarter at Kroger, and we're not even going to TALK about the gas prices, because that way lies madness and
wait.
What was I talking about again?
Oh, yes. Confrontation.
We don't like to ask the hard questions, do we? I mean, it's one thing to confront a stranger and try to give a lesson in manners-- that seems to be easy, even if it does drop you to their level and risks bodily harm-- but far harder seems to be confronting people we have emotions invested in.
We're scared. We're scared to DEATH of rejection. I had a situation recently when I actually came out and asked someone, "were you disappointed when you met me?" Because I seriously thought she was. Because I'm an insecure idiot, and she's an unbelievably beautiful woman who could clearly never find someone like me attractive, right?
But the point of this is that I didn't want to ask that question-- not because I shouldn't've had to, but because I was afraid of what the answer might be. I was afraid that she'd confirm my suspicions that I was, in fact, too short, too fat, too... whatever to ever have any chance with someone like her.
You know what the REALLY crazy thing was? There was a part of me that actually wanted those suspicions confirmed.
I'm not alone, here. A friend of mine is really into this guy. They've been off and on again for a while now, and anyone who talks to either of them knows that they're both completely nuts about each other. Yet they keep each other at arms length, to the point that she actually looked at him (well, they were on IM, so technically there was no looking involved) and asked him, "If you WERE looking for someone, would I be on that list?"
I'm sure it's clear to anyone outside the situation that that question was completely unnecessary. But she felt she needed to ask, and I'm sure, if she thought about it, that there was a small part of her that actually wanted him to reject her. The answer, of course, was yes, she was not only on the list, but at the very top of it. As she should be.
Why do we do this? Do we think that somehow things will be easier if we get the rejection? Do we want our hardest truths and worst fears about ourselves confirmed?
And don't even get me started on the subject of the hardest question of them all. The one that's so insidious that it's not even a question, but three little words that strike fear into the hearts of all of us.
Saying "I love you" for the first time... I don't know about you, but for me it's like a dam breaking. I say it once, and then I can't stop saying it. I've said it to a few people now, and I have to say... every time I've said it, dammit, I've meant it.
But those first times... sometimes it slips. Once, I was sitting down, on the phone with her, and I kind of sighed, leaned my head back against the chair, and just kind of breathed... "ahhhhhhh... I love you".
The reaction? Stunned silence. From both of us, actually. I sat bolt-upright in the chair, and my first thought was, "Holy shit! Did I just SAY that? Wait! Why is it so quiet now?" And after a second, there was a little nervous chuckle at the other end of the line, followed by, "I love you, too." After the paramedics revived me from my heart attack, we had a nice little laugh about it, and things progressed from there.
Another time, it was really early in the relationship. We were outside on a warm summer day. We'd found a nice, shady, secluded spot for ourselves back in the woods of a local state park, and we were spending the afternoon exploring each others' bodies for the first time. It was truly an amazing day-- one of my best days, really. We were lying there on the blanket, under a sheet, and she was propped up on one arm, looking into my eyes. She could tell I wanted to say something, but that I was holding it back. Finally she just looked at me-- looked into me, really-- and said, "what is it? Just... just say it." And I replied with those three words that, yes, I'd been holding back. It was too soon! It was our first time together! I was mostly naked! There were so many reasons NOT to say it, and yet the one reason TO say it was the one I remember-- it was simply a truth that was too strong to NOT say. But I'll say this-- the look on her face when I said that? That will stick with me all the way to the grave.
I don't know what I'm trying to say here. Maybe this is a meditation on having the confidence to give voice to our feelings, even when there's great risk involved. But at the same time, maybe there's a time to have the confidence to not NEED to ask the questions-- to just love without fear and enjoy the times we do have with each other, because time is fleeting and it's not as if we're going to get another chance.
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
Just pasting again. Nothing to see here.
|
Posted:May 11, 2007 11:54 am
Last Updated:Jun 17, 2007 5:53 pm
3131 Views
|
Was surfing the Urban Dictionary today-- shut up, I'm comfortable with my geekiness-- and I came across this little equation. I'm just gonna let it speak for itself.
women = time x money
time = money
thus:
women = money x money = 'money' squared
and:
money = 'the root of all evil'
thus:
women = (square root of evil) squared
Therefore:
women = evil
Seems to make sense to me...
And to think I wonder why it's been a while...
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Go forth and check...
|
Posted:May 10, 2007 9:22 pm
Last Updated:May 11, 2007 7:27 pm
3095 Views
|
OK, so hopefully the powers-that-be don't kill this post, for I plan to do it cleverly and in no way that looks like anything that would make them get rid of this post. But friends, there's something you must see. You can thank me later for the hours that you waste on this, for it is funny without end.
I can has cheezburger.
Since you are currently using a browser of some sort, I'm guessing you already know what comes before that and after it, and the middle is all one word.
Seriously, y'all. I can't keep all the funny for myself.
And now I'm off to bed, so I can get up at 4AM tomorrow and play a ceremony. Ain't life grand?
Shit.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Whatcha listening to?
|
Posted:May 5, 2007 8:00 pm
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2007 4:38 pm
3104 Views
|
Ok, so I promised music stuff, and I haven't really delivered. Haven't delivered much of anything, actually-- there hasn't been a whole lot to report.
(Well, that's not true. There's been a meeting with two wonderful people I've been waiting to meet for a VERY long time. A meeting that I just about ruined after the fact with my own stupid insecurity issues and general moodiness. Let's just say that I've had a tough week-- Thursday night notwithstanding-- and leave it at that.)
But music. As many of you know (or should know), it's what I do. I play, I sing, I listen. So music is kind of a part of who I am. And most of my "normal" friends are also musicians. We tend to be able to sniff out pretty quickly who has similar tastes in music to us, and we gravitate to each other. Every few weeks, we have a little exchange. If the stuff we're listening to is getting stale, I know I can go to my friend and say, "So... whatcha listening to lately? Anything new?" And that starts us off on a half-hour conversation about what the other person needs to check out. So, in my attempt to have a larger community of friends who I share this with (and, consequently, a larger sound palette to work with), here's what I'm listening to:
--Broadway Soundtracks
First thing-- Yes, I'm straight. Now that that's out of the way, I have to admit a total obsession with the Rent soundtracks. Oh, c'mon, y'all. Ease up. I know I'm a little late to the party on this one. OK, we'll move on.
The other one I'm listening to a lot is the Avenue Q soundtrack. Mmmmm... puppet sex. Seriously? First CD in a while that actually almost made me drive off the road because of how hard I was laughing. And that was Track 2.
--Ben Folds
OK, if you haven't heard anything but "Brick"-- and that was ten years ago-- you really need to hear his solo stuff. Rockin' the Suburbs, from 2001, is one of the best full CDs, top-to-bottom, I've ever heard. At least, until his second solo disc, Songs for Silverman came out last year. Amazing songwriting. He's taken to touring without a band in the last few years, just him and his piano on a bare stage. And as entertaining as any "full" show out there.
--Fountains of Wayne
Adam Schlesinger is an amazing songwriter. Witty, poignant, and full of fun pop-culture references. Not to mention catchy as hell. "Stacy's Mom"-- an ode to that greatest of all finds, the MILF-- is the perfect pop song. And their new album, Traffic and Weather may not have anything that catchy, but is incredibly consistant, with no tracks to skip past (not to mention avoiding the pitfall of their previous disc: seven songs that should be the final song on the disc).
--The Shins
I've professed my love for The Shins here in the past. And they're from my hometown, so yay! But Chutes too Narrow is another of my all-time-favorites, and their new one, Wincing the Night Away is almost as good. Beautiful songs that meld electronica and straight-up rock to create a new sound that's almost like electronic folk music. Now that's an odd thought.
--The music of Philip Sparke
British composer Philip Sparke proves himself more varied with every new piece he writes. His piece Dances and Alleluias was used as a test piece in the competition I just went to (in the top division, not the division I competed in), and it is really beautiful (not to mention ungodly difficult to play!). And his 2001 work for wind ensemble, Dance Movements is on permanent rotation in my car. Two different recordings, as a matter of fact. I can get you one, if you ask me reeeeeally nicely.
Music is something, that for me, evokes tangible, real feelings. It is totally a barometer of my mood. I consider myself to be relatively self-aware, but sometimes I don't know how I'm feeling until I put a certain piece of music on, and I find myself starting to tear up in places. Especially if I'm singing along. Which I tend to do. LOUDLY. Luckily, I sing pretty well. 
So there you have it. I've given. Now it's your turn. I ask you-- Whatcha listenin' to?
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
The mustard incident
|
Posted:Apr 18, 2007 1:58 pm
Last Updated:Jul 11, 2011 4:32 pm
2824 Views
|
So I learned something last weekend, while I was at that competition. I went to lunch, and even though I don't eat meat all that much anymore, I felt like having a hamburger. So dammit, I was gonna have a hamburger.
Call me crazy, but I like some condiments on my burger. A little ketchup, a little mustard.
A little, I say.
So I take my burger and I put it under the little mustard pump (mustard pump, by the way, is now totally going to be the name of my kick-ass air band power pop trio), and I push down on the little pump thing. Nothing happens.
This should've been clue one.
I push a little harder. Again, nothing. I stand there for a moment, cock my head to the side in much the manner of a slightly confused cocker spaniel. Any sane man would've stopped at this point, but considering no one here would ever accuse me of much in the way of sanity, I did what the insane man would've done. I pushed that handle down just as hard as I could.
The splatter was, in a word, glorious.
Well, I'll say this for it-- I was able to get some mustard on my burger. And my formerly white polo shirt. And my arms. And my face. And the nylon jacket of the girl standing next to me.
I just stood there, probably for a full five seconds. I mean, what do you do in this situation? What can you say? My mouth hung open and I just stood there, stunned. Then I turned to the girl next to me, saw the small splatters of mustard on the arm of her jacket.
"Oh, my god. My god. I'm so sorry."
She was cool about it. I helped clean her up-- it helped that she was wearing a nylon jacket-- and then I turned around to face the table where my friends were sitting. My friends, who had been chatting amongst themselves, until I turned around and said, "well... that was interesting."
"My god," my wife said. "You look like you got shot, and you bled mustard." And it was true... there was one HUGE splat of mustard right in the center of my chest, with little spatters everywhere else. It was like Jackson Pollack used me as a canvas.
I sat down, still a little dazed. That's when I realized that I'd forgotten the ketchup. I got up, walked back to the condiment station, put my bun under the pump, and gently pushed down. It didn't want to move. I started to push a little harder, but then I realized what I was getting into, and reached carefully for one of the ketchup packets that was sitting in a nearby basket.
I might be dumb, but even I'm not that dumb.
|
|
|
6
Comments
|
|
(almost) victory
|
Posted:Apr 16, 2007 6:54 pm
Last Updated:Dec 3, 2010 4:59 pm
2361 Views
|
So last year, one of the groups I play in did a big, multi-national competition. We competed in the third section (not the Championship section, not the next one down, but the one below that), and we won the division. By, like, a LOT of points. We more or less trounced everyone else in that division.
So we came back this year. We moved up a level. We weren't required to, but we had the distinct feeling that if we didn't, there was going to be hell to pay. Luckily, the quality of the group had improved-- mostly through the preparation of more difficult music. We prepared it. We worked for four months, more or less on two pieces of music. A half-hour of music. Meticulous, methodical work. Fun? Well, kind of. It's a different kind of fun. The fun of taking things apart and putting them back together. The fun of looking at a thing from many different angles, in order to tease out every little bit of music that's in it. The fun of mastering something that's very difficult, and possibly growing as a result.
There was another group. One from New England. The conductor of that group plays in a very large, very well-known orchestra. Ever since last year, he's been playing little psych-out games, telling us that he has no idea how they're going to beat us, that he was hoping we'd skip his division and go directly to the Championship section... all this stuff. We knew going in that they were going to be our stiffest competition. When the contest draw came out, it turns out that that group was slated to play first.
Guess who was playing second?
We heard the end of their performance. It was good. Very good. Their free-choice selection (in this competition, you play one required piece that runs about 15 minutes, and then you fill the remaining 15 minutes with music of your choice that is of a comparable level) was incredibly difficult, and from backstage, it sounded like they were playing it. Frankly, I was nervous going out there. And that almost never happens to me anymore.
The seat I occupy in the band is kinda known as a "jock" seat. It's a solo chair. In this type of group, there are two main soloists, and they sit on either side of the conductor. I'm one of them. It's a nerve-racking place to be sometimes... especially in those moments when the entire group cuts out, there's a moment of silence, and then...
It's just me. My sound, filling the room. My personality, taking every moment I'm given to its fullest extent. And then the band enters behind me, supporting me. For those thirty seconds or so, every eye in the place is on me... and I love every second of it. I savor it. It's pressure, sure, but in those moments, I'm a rock star again. I've done that before too, and believe me when I say that there's no greater feeling in the world.
In the end, we played well. Quite well. In our first year in the second section, we took second place, and we only missed first by three points. That was a nice feeling. And now we don't have to have the obligatory discussion of whether or not we move up a level next year. We're very comfortable where we are.
Oh, and the smack-talking group from New England? Fifth. Suck on that.
There are other stories from the weekend, like my failed attempt to go to an early morning yoga class, and how I almost got kidnapped by a bunch of seriously hot, seriously drunk women on their way to a bachelorette party (and how one of them grabbed me and planted a nice big kiss on me on the way), but those'll have to wait. For now I'm savoring (almost) victory.
(and by the way, ladies-- if you ever want to just make someone's day, the whole "grab a random guy and kiss him as you're getting into a stretch hummer on your way to a bachelorette party" thing works REALLY well.)
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
The obligatory music entry, part one
|
Posted:Apr 9, 2007 10:01 am
Last Updated:Apr 17, 2007 5:51 am
2348 Views
|
I spend waaaaay too much time analyzing myself. Trying to figure out me, trying to look at my life through someone else's eyes. To step back and understand myself in a different context.
A lot of times, this involves some marvelling at where I've ended up, and what I do for a living. I mean, I'm a musician. And not only that, but I'm a classical musician. And not only that, but I'm a classical musician who plays an instrument that even other musicians are pretty unsure of what it is. I've come to almost dread the question, "so, what do you do for a living?", because it's almost always followed by "Oh! What do you play?" And if I'm lucky, they don't follow that with "I mean, are you a singer, or do you play guitar or drums or something?".
I say the name of my instrument, and am generally met with blank stares. Every once in a while I'm pleasantly surprised by someone who knows what it is, but more often than not, I stick with the other two instruments I play at a professional level, since they're much more recognizable.
But I'm digressing. Yes, I play an obscure instrument. It's obscure enough that I don't want to say what it is here, for discretion reasons. And that's saying something, considering the amount of personal information that's on these pages.
But a related question I get is, "So if you're a musician, have a Master's Degree in it and everything, what do you listen to?"
The short answer is "everything". But a longer answer is what you're probably looking for, so if you're interested in specifics, watch this space. Maybe this project will get me updating a little more often...
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
Crossroads
|
Posted:Mar 20, 2007 5:07 am
Last Updated:Jul 11, 2011 4:33 pm
2187 Views
|
Hello again. Yeah, I haven't been here in a while. I've tried-- really I have-- but I just haven't been able to figure it out. I wrote three entries there from a pretty depressing place, and I guess the biggest problem for me was figuring out how to write the cute, happy, fun entries again without y'all thinking I'm a little schizo. So... this is a bridge.
But it's an entry, too. See, I'm looking at things, and seeing that I'm at a crossroads. I can clearly see things ending with people (with some, in NO uncertain terms). I'm faced with a bit of a dilemma, though.
I started out on this site wanting to make my life a little less PG-13 and a little more Adult Film. But, as often happens with me, I started to make friends. And those friends came to really really mean something to me. There were connections made. Sometimes deep, very meaningful connections. At this point, I want more friends like this. The deep, meaningful friendships I've had for the last year or so are either changing or going away entirely. (or they're on the other side of the damned country. Grr.) So I have to decide if I want to pursue more friendships like this. If I want to go through all that work.
I think I do.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Anahata, Ahimsa, and Aparigraha
|
Posted:Mar 4, 2007 9:15 pm
Last Updated:Apr 9, 2007 7:54 pm
2520 Views
|
...walk into a bar...
No! Seriously, folks. These are three concepts-- two are principles, one is an actual thing with symbolism attached-- that have been on my mind lately.
By the way, this is another damned yoga entry, so if you don't like it, deal.
First, Ahimsa and Aparigraha. Ahimsa, according to the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, is one of the Yamas-- things to live by and try to cultivate in your life and your dealings with others.
Ahimsa is the principle of non-violence. Now, this doesn't just mean that you shouldn't beat the hell out of the guy in the cubicle two down from you who's whinging on about his lost stapler, and how his red Swingline didn't jam as often as the plain black Boston does now. No, Ahimsa goes further than that, saying that you should do no harm to any other person-- including yourself.
In fact, it actually extends to all beings, whether they are people or non-people. It's the reason why many "serious" yogis are vegetarians. Personally, I'm not... but I'm dealing with Ahimsa in my own way.
The second principle there is Aparigraha, the yogic principle of non-grasping. Now, I've heard this described in many, many ways. I was reading the Yoga Mala of Pattahbi Jois yesterday, and he described it in terms of food-- you eat what you need, no more, no less. As with all of the yamas, there's an extrapolation that happens here. It can be interpreted to mean that you take only what you need in any situation, so it's... non-greed, I guess. That's a good way to think about it.
Those two things can really come together when you think about our romantic lives. And that place where they come together is Anahata.
For those of you who know about Chakras, Anahata is the all-important fourth Chakra, located at the heart center of your body, in the center of your chest. All of the other Chakras feed into it, and it feeds all of the other Chakras.
Basically, the energy that spins out of Anahata is the energy of unconditional love. Not just our love for the romantic players in our lives, but also for all people. It's the part of us that tells us that we're all connected, one to another, no matter the differences between us.
The thing is, when we begin to see these three things in tandem (and with all of the other principles and chakras that I'm not talking about, because I'd love for at least one person to be reading at the end of this post), some things begin to become clear.
Aparigraha tells us that we should love without cselfishness. That the mere fact of our love for others feeds us. That to desire to have that love returned is a distraction from the inner life that we're trying to cultivate. We should love freely, no matter what the consequences, because the presence of love is what sustains us, not the things that come out of that love.
Ahimsa tells us that we should use that love in ways that build people up, not tear them down. That when we find relationships, when we seek people out to build connections with, that those relationships should be healthy and should make us feel good about ourselves. And when those relationships end, we should view the endings not as reasons to tear ourselves down, but as ways to celebrate the beauty that was there, if only for a moment.
So... yeah. I'm feeling better. Not 100%, but every day, every breath brings me closer to myself.
And if you made it this far, you get a cookie.
|
|
|
3
Comments
|
|
Gone away from me
|
Posted:Mar 1, 2007 9:26 am
Last Updated:Mar 20, 2007 5:07 am
2125 Views
|
I feel like I should preface this by saying that I've been feeling a lot better over the last day or two. Helping one friend through a multi-hour panic attack and another friend through a fight with her not-boyfriend are the perfect prescription for feeling down, unwanted, and unattractive, as it turns out. So there's that.
I was sitting at work today, working on Gratis requests for a recording project I'm involved in. I don't want people bugging me, so I strap on my headphones and put on some music so I seem less accessible. It actually works sometimes.
Anyway, I was listening to an artist that my friend turned me on to: Ray Lamontagne. If you're a fan of simple, unadorned acoustic music, he's definitely worth a serious look. Anyway, I was kind of half listening through the haze of copy/paste/copy/paste/copy/paste, and this lyric broke through the hypnosis:
"For a while
I sat there staring at the photograph
For a while
I cried and tried not to make a scene
There was a time,
when we were young
I used to make her laugh
But life is long,
my love has gone away from me"
I stopped and looked up, closed my eyes for a brief, bittersweet moment. Then I went back to my work.
|
|
|
0
Comments
|
|
Another one bites the dust... again
|
Posted:Feb 26, 2007 8:43 pm
Last Updated:Jul 11, 2011 4:34 pm
2291 Views
|
The friend I mentioned in that last blog entry who's barely talking to me anymore? I got an IM from her tonight saying she's decided to terminate her IM account.
They fall away, one by one, and each one takes a bit of me with them.
I find myself, for the first time, actually considering leaving this site. I'm allowing myself to get hurt, and I'm not OK with that.
You ever have one of those days where all you really want to do is curl up into yourself and disappear? That's been my day. Sigh.
I have the day off tomorrow. I'm considering the possibility of going up to Atlanta early (I have to be up there in the evening anyway) and trying to kinda lose myself for a while. If anyone wants a cup of coffee, my treat, you're more than welcome to get a hold of me.
|
|
|
2
Comments
|
|
...
|
Posted:Feb 26, 2007 6:34 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2008 9:04 pm
2135 Views
|
And by the way... when exactly did all of my friends become women? Huh.
Not that I mind, grant you... just curious.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
Upheaval
|
Posted:Feb 26, 2007 6:30 pm
Last Updated:Jul 11, 2011 4:35 pm
2167 Views
|
Oh, for crying out loud. What is it that all of the important people in my life seem to be going through major upheavals all at the same time? My God. Thursday my wife gets that damned DUI. She's afraid she's going to get thrown in a pit. With bars on the top. With a badger.
One friend is in the heady thrall of a new, fun relationship, but he didn't call today when he said he was going to call (still hasn't called, is going on two hours late), ans she's had this happen to her TOO many times, so she's in a tailspin.
One friend is moving, and right now is barely talking to me, because she just doesn't have time.
One friend is also in the heady thrall of a new fun relationship, but as much as she wants to jump on him, tear off his clothing, and ride him like a pony (she's going on a year-long dry spell, and it's REALLY taking its toll), she can't because she's in the middle of a messy divorce instead of at the end of it, and she doesn't want HOTSEXHOTSEX to jeopardize her family and her family's financial future.
And finally, one friend has just adopted a . This is the oldest friend I have, and she's had a really hard time-- the birth mother had a really emotional few days trying to figure out how to give the baby up, and so my friend had a really emotional few days trying to deal with the fact that after all this time she might not get the baby, and that she has no control over whether or not she gets it. She finally did, and just returned to her hotel a little while ago. I'm happy for her and her husband, but this is also a really emotional time for me (because it's all about me, really), for reasons it would take about seven blog entries to explain.
So. Yeah. Big day.
|
|
|
1
comment
|
|
To link to this blog (hereforyou6217) use [blog hereforyou6217] in your messages.
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
|
|
|
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
111
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
282
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
