Be Careful What You Wish For
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Posted:Oct 7, 2008 5:29 am
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2008 7:59 am
2166 Views
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Two gay guys are walking along the beach one day when they discover a lamp washed up on shore. One remarks, "Pick it up and rub it. Maybe a genie will appear."
So, the other guy picks it up and rubs it and sure enough, a genie appears before them. "Wow, can we have three wishes?" one of them asks. The genie frowns and says, "I have been in this lamp for 400 years and I am not happy. I will grant you one and only one wish."
The two guys talk it over and finally reply, "We cannot agree on a wish right now. Can we wait and ask for our wish later?" The genie agrees and goes back into the lamp.
Two weeks later, the gay companions are sitting in the living room watching a late-night movie and they hear a commotion outside. They look out the window and there, in their front yard, are 20 Ku Klux Klan members holding torches, burning a cross, and stringing up a rope in a tree.
One of the guys says, "Oh my god! We've got to do something! Quick, get the lamp and let's make our wish to get us out of this!"
The other guy says, "It's too late. I already made a wish."
"You did? You never talked to me about it! What did you wish for?"
"I wished that we were both hung like black guys."
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Insatiable
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Posted:Oct 2, 2008 4:47 am
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2008 7:59 am
2547 Views
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“Who is it?” you ask, knowing full well that it’s me on the other side of your door.
“Your long-distance lover,” I answer.
As you open the door, I get an instant rush from seeing your off-the-shoulder white top, tightly accenting your prodigious breasts, with your hard nipples showing through. Shifting my gaze downward, I notice your short skirt, light blue and snug, barely covering your ass, exposing silky legs whose feet rest in three-inch dark navy heels.
“Come in,” you whisper. Leading me by the hand through the door and into your bedroom, you sit me down on the bed and take off my shoes and socks. Pushing me gently backward onto the bed, you climb on top of me, and I can feel the heat coming from your body. You pull up my shirt, kissing my stomach and sides, making your way up to my nipples. Stopping, you blow softly on my nipples, teasing, then lightly licking one at a time, moving back and forth between the two, increasing the speed and firmness with which you lick.
By now you have me squirming and breathing heavily, pleading with you to stop but not really meaning it. I pull off my shirt and you ask, “How about you let me take off your pants, too?”
“Fine,” I say, “but only if I can take off your top first.”
I sit up and kiss your exposed shoulders, rubbing and stroking your full, perky tits, realizing you have no bra on. I pull your shirt up over your mounds, kissing your erect nipples and licking your breasts all over, making happy noises. You unzip my pants as I continue to nibble and kiss your pendulous breasts. Laying me down again, you’re finally able to unzip my pants and pop out my rigid cock. “Mmm,” you moan. “Looks like he’s glad to see me.” You lick the tip, swirling your tongue around it, teasing me. You then start at the bottom and lick the entire length, plunging it into your mouth once you get to the top, causing me to gasp in delight. Pumping up and down, up and down, you take my entire cock into, and then out of, your mouth, slobbering all over it, getting it nice and wet. “Yummy,” you whisper.
Not wanting you to stop, but wanting you in my mouth, I make you wait for a moment and lay you on the bed, pushing your skirt up, grinning with joy as I see you’ve been a naughty girl and aren’t wearing panties. I swing my body over yours so we’re in a 69. Before I can even get my tongue between your beautiful pink wetness, my cock is again in your mouth as you continue sucking and slurping noisily. I put my head between your thighs and lick your hot pussy , causing you to stop sucking momentarily so that you can moan your approval. As I continue to lick and kiss your hot box, you start sucking harder, and I swell even bigger. I lick you faster and faster, until finally we both can’t stand it anymore, and stop so that we can fuck each other’s brains out.
I kneel on the bed facing you, holding one of your legs with my right hand and my wet, hard cock in my left. I touch the head to your tight, dripping pussy, rubbing it up and down, left and right, not putting it in more than an inch. Moaning and squirming, you plead with me to drive it in all the way. I let go of my dick, grab your other leg, and hold you spread in front of me.
Gently and slowly, I slip my cock into your luscious tunnel, one, two, then three inches before pulling it out. Pouting, you say you want it all, and again I give you only some of it, speeding up faster and faster, until you can’t stand it any longer. When you least expect it, I ram all seven inches inside you, causing both of us to moan very loudly. Pulling out almost all the way, I shove it back in again, over and over, enjoying your breathless moaning and squirming.
I put both of your legs on my shoulders, ramming my cock into you, getting very deep inside you. Your muscles clench onto my shaft, causing it to swell and making me groan loudly, enjoying every moment. “I wanna be on top,” you manage to say between moans. Pulling away, you get up and push me down onto the bed, mounting me. “Now it’s my turn,” you say with a smile. You reach back and grab my cock and start stroking it, at the same time rubbing your clit and slipping a finger in now and then. Now you have me begging for it, asking you to sit on my cock. Grinning, you plunge your pussy down on my shaft, taking all of it into you, rocking slowly back and forth on it.
“Holy shit!” I yell, grabbing your hips and guiding you up and down, back and forth on my cock, both of us moaning. You start bouncing up and down on me, almost coming off my cock and then taking it back into you. I see you are starting to become flustered, and your pussy is beginning to swell again on my shaft. You start moaning very loudly now, then screaming and bucking wildly on my cock as you yell, “I’m coming!”
“Soak me, baby,” I say, feeling your pussy squeezing my cock and your juices dripping down my balls and onto my legs. Just as I think you’re done, you begin to shake and hump as another orgasm sweeps through you. “Oh, god!” you stammer, your face contorted, “here comes another one!” You’re gasping for breath. Your head is thrown back, your eyes closed. “Oh, fuck! Oh, my god!” Finally, you’re still.
As you finish, you fall on top of me, panting, and say into my ear with a smile, “I want more.” You roll over and get on your hands and knees. Looking back with a wink, you say, “Well, what are you waiting for? Fuck my tight ass!” Happy to give you what you want, I grab my cock, slick with your copious nectar, and slide it into your eager asshole, moaning as it spreads your sphincter and plunges in.
I grab your hips and start fucking you hard, my balls slapping against your clit and my cock goes in and out. I grab your hair, pulling gently at first, then harder, as you moan louder and scream, “Yes, yes! Fuck that ass!”
I’m really having a hard time holding back now, as I watch my rock-hard dick plunging in and out of your round, firm, beautiful ass. “Harder,” you shout. “I’m gonna come . . . again!” I feel your ass clench and spasm around my dick. And that does it. I moan that I’m close and you respond, “Hold on, I want it in my mouth.” You pull away, turn around to face me, grab my cock, and shove it in your mouth, sucking hard and squeezing on my balls.
“Oh, fuck!” I yell, as you grin wickedly while I shoot rope after rope in your mouth, on your face, on your tits, drenching you with my come.
You smile and purr, “Mmm, yummy. I love your mature come. Just like fine, aged wine,” as you lick your fingers and stick my cock back in your mouth, sucking it dry as I shudder with delight.
“Ready for more?” you say impishly, as you push me down on the bed and start sucking my cock again.
“What do you think?” I say to my young lover, as my cock starts to swell again in your sweet mouth.
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Diversity
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Posted:Sep 30, 2008 6:00 am
Last Updated:Oct 13, 2008 3:59 am
2572 Views
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A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labor is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies.
"Okay, do you have a boyfriend?" asks the midwife. "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached. I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth, the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife. "That's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well, yes," the girl again replies. "You see, I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie. What else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats. "That's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well, yes," continues the girl. "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie. I really had no choice."
At this, the midwife again apologizes, collects the baby, and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give the baby a slap on the ass. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank God for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl, extremely relieved. "I had this horrible feeling that it was going to bark."
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What a Ride!
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Posted:Sep 24, 2008 7:51 am
Last Updated:Oct 13, 2008 4:00 am
2654 Views
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“Take the M104 bus at 6:15 on the corner of Amsterdam and 72nd Street,” the note says. With it is a gift-wrapped box, both left with my doorman. It’s from you, one of the horniest people I’ve ever known. You’ve been hinting that you have something special planned and, even after opening the present, I have no idea what we’re going to do.
As for the present, well, I open it and stare at it for about two minutes. It’s a vagina, or it’s supposed to look like one. But this one is not much bigger than my cock, and has a small wire antenna at the bottom of it. With it is a remote, and another note from you.
“Put this on before you leave, bring the remote, and when you see me, pretend you don’t know me.” I read it three times and still can’t figure out what you’re up to. If this is some sort of remote control vagina, why do I get the remote, and why am I treating you like a stranger?
It’s already 5:45, and I don’t have much time to think about it. I change my clothes and get the vagina out. What a strange thing–I put my fingers in it and it feels just like a pussy. I have to get myself a little hard to get the vagina on. It feels like a silky sleeve wrapping around my cock. I wish there was time to give it a good try before I leave, but I’m late. I put on a large flannel shirt to cover up the bulge in my pants, grab the remote, and head out the door.
On the sidewalk I hold the remote and look at it. It has an on/off switch and some sort of speed control knob. I’m at a stoplight and the curiosity is killing me. I turn the switch to “on” and a small light blinks on. My anticipation is growing, and so is my cock, as I feel it getting harder in its new home. I start turning the knob to increase the speed, but to my dismay, nothing happens. I turn it all the way up, and still nothing.
Shit! This plan of yours isn’t going to work! Do I still ignore you? Do I pretend it’s working and see what happens? Five minutes before the bus comes, and I don’t know what to do. I get to the bus stop, hoping that you’re there waiting for me. But you’re not.
The bus arrives on time. The door opens and I swipe my Metrocard. I start heading toward the back. Just past the second door, the seats face each other, and there you are on the left. You don’t even look at me.
You’re sitting there pretending to read a magazine, and I sit across from you, not sure what to do next. I have the remote in my hand, and I’m trying to catch your eye to give you some indication that it’s not working. But you avoid my glances.
As the bus lurches and sways down the avenue, you look at the floor under my seat, stand up, then bend down and appear to pick up a paper. “I think you dropped this,” you say as your eyes finally meet mine. I probably have a pretty dumb look on my face as you walk back to your seat, sit down, and resume reading your magazine. It takes me a few seconds to realize that I’m holding a paper in my hand. I slowly open it and look at it.
It’s a copy of an ad from a sex toy Web site. An ad for what appears to be a pair of panties with a vibrating dildo attached. To the right of the picture is bold print that says, “Remote Control Vibrating Panties.” As I read it, all of a sudden I feel my cock get a little tingle, a tingle that starts at its base, and slowly works its way up to my shaft. I almost drop both the paper and the remote when it makes it up to my cockhead. I look up, and only then do I really notice that you have a remote in the hand that’s holding the magazine.
I look around to see if anyone notices anything. There’s an old lady sitting next to me, and a young guy sitting next to you, but both seem to be in their own worlds. I look at you, still reading your magazine, but now you have a smile on your face. It only now dawns on me what is going on. The dial for the speed control is a little stiff, but I slowly move it to the first position and look up at you. The magazine is still in the same position, but your eyes are closed, and your smile is getting just a bit bigger as you know I finally understand.
My reward for understanding is the return of the massaging tingle that you gave me a taste of just a minute ago, but this time you let it stroke me a few more times before shutting it off. My god, that feeling is amazing! It’s like tiny little fingers tickling the base of my cock, and they slowly move up my hardening dick to the tip of my head, and then repeat the action. I adjust my shirt to cover up my crotch, lean back, cross my arms, and look out the window, trying not to show how fired up I am at this public sex we’re about to have.
The bus stops in front of the Cathedral of St. John the Divine and is almost immediately filled with people who just attended the evening prayer service. I can see you through the people standing in the aisle as the bus heads up the avenue again.
The tingling, massaging, stroking feeling that the vagina is giving me picks up just a little speed, and my dick is now almost totally hard as the vagina seems to get tighter and tighter. The sensation is incredible. I feel my eyes start to roll back in my head as I fill the pussy to its limit with my hard-on. I take my remote and move it to the second position.
I look over briefly to see you cross your legs, biting your lower lip, as you appear to be interested in what you’re reading. It makes me wish I had something to read other than the ad for the panties, just to have something to focus on. My eyes seem to glaze over as each stroke makes me quiver.
I now feel something different in the vagina. Not only is it stroking me, it starts to feel like there’s something rotating as it strokes my dick. Shit! I can feel the beginnings of a climax building. God, I wonder what number you have me set on. I wonder if there’s an 11 setting on your remote. Could I take it and not have anyone notice? My dick is getting fucked on a bus by a woman sitting six feet away from me.
I turn the knob past three to four, and the light shines brighter. I steal a glance in your direction as people are walking past us, and find that the young guy sitting next to you is trying to have a conversation with you. You’re doing a pretty good job of acting interested in his attempts to get your attention. I look down at your ass, and can see it just barely moving back and forth, your hands now rolling up the magazine, fidgeting to focus on something, and not lose your composure. You’re getting so fucking hot, and so am I.
How incredible this is! If anyone only knew what we’re doing, they’d be blown away. Here I sit, only minutes away from an orgasm, and you’re over there getting your pussy wetter and hotter and the guy you’re talking to hasn’t a clue. I turn my remote past five to six. The light goes even brighter on the remote. In response, the vagina seems to double its efforts to make me come. Rotating, stroking, tingling, my swollen cock seems to be trying to push all the way through the pussy. I find myself with my head against the window, eyes closed, and feel a little drool forming on my lips. I can only imagine what you’re experiencing across the aisle from me.
I look over as the bus starts to empty out as we make stops along the way. You still seem to be trying to have a conversation with the guy, but you keep crossing your legs back and forth, like you can’t find a comfortable position to sit in. You’re also biting your finger and nodding in agreement with whatever he says.
I turn the knob to eight, and don’t even bother looking at the light because I’m very distracted as the pussy seems to start going crazy on me. I’m almost there, and not sure if I can come without screaming, since this sensation is almost too much. You’re now crossing your arms over your lap. I get the impression that your panties are either starting to get a bit noisy, or that you’re trying to figure out how to start humping the seat without anyone noticing.
I’m only seconds away from coming. I reach for the knob, look up at you, and turn it all the way to 10. I look over to see you, but someone is standing in the way. I can, however, see the guy next to you, and he isn’t talking anymore. He’s just looking at you. The bus stops and the crowd moves enough for me to look over at you. I can’t believe what I see. You have your eyes closed tightly and seem to be concentrating very hard. I look at your lips and can tell that you’re mouthing, quietly to yourself, “Oh god! Oh god!” I know then that you’re having a good time!
And so it is when I come myself. I really can’t tell if I’m making any noises, or if I’m acting funny, but I feel my sperm gush into the pussy. The waves of climax are like electricity flowing through my body. I look over and see you humping your ass on the seat. People are pretending not to notice, but they’re watching you out of the corners of their eyes. One of your hands is on the railing, the other on the remote that has a bright light of its own. I hear the familiar sound of your coming. You’re still trying your best to stay quiet, and even with your face twisted in an obvious look of passion, people on the bus can’t quite make out what’s going on. The young guy next to you keeps asking you if you’re alright, but your only reply is another look of ecstasy.
I feel like I’m coming for hours. The stroking seems like it’s sucking every bit of jism I have out of me. One gush after another seems to be shooting from my cock. All of a sudden the vagina stops. I’m pretty thankful for that, because my dick is very sensitive at the moment. I open my eyes to see several people looking at me, and I look over and see you across the aisle watching me.
I look down to see myself, legs stretched out across the aisle, wide open, and my ass halfway off the seat. I’m resting on my elbows and my hips are still humping. I can hear you laugh as you stand up, take my hand, and pull me up just as the bus is stopping at the corner. I follow you, red-faced and rubber-legged as we make our way out the door. I can barely stand as we turn around and look at the bus pulling away.
We hug as we look up to see about a dozen faces looking at us through the departing windows. You blow a kiss to the guy who was next to you, and all he can do is wave.
You reach over my shoulders, pull me around, look me in the eyes, smiling, and say, “There’s another bus coming here in about 15 minutes.”
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1 - 2 - 3 Erection
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Posted:Sep 22, 2008 10:41 am
Last Updated:Sep 27, 2008 8:09 am
2570 Views
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After a few years of married life, Jack finds that he is unable to perform anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally, the doctor says to Jack, "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."
Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, "I can cure this," and throws some powder on a flame. There is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can use it only once a year! All you have to do is say, “1 - 2 - 3” and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
Jack then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over?"
The witch doctor says, "All you have to say is “1 - 2 - 3 - 4” and it shall go down. But be warned. It will not work again for a year!"
Jack goes home and that night he’s ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, as he is lying in bed with her, he says "1 2 3," and suddenly he gets an erection.
His wife turns over and says, "What did you say '1 - 2 - 3' for?”
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Fantasies Fulfilled
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Posted:Sep 17, 2008 7:09 am
Last Updated:Sep 29, 2008 12:16 am
3278 Views
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I never really enjoyed Halloween. Sure, when I was a I loved all the candy. But as an adult I never thought it was that much fun. Through the years, I’ve been invited to several parties, but never had a great time.
But this year isn’t the same as the past. This year, I have you. And we’re invited to a big party at a country club that I hope won’t be a big bore like all the others.
I don’t have any idea about a costume. So you ask me to dress up as Zorro. I’m not wild about that, but don’t have a better idea. And you set about making our costumes.
When they’re done, I’m surprised at how well mine fits. Maybe too well. The skin-tight pants are made of a stretch spandex material that definitely shows the outline of my penis. When I mention this to you, you say, “That’s what I imagine Zorro wears.” I have to hope I don’t get an erection at the party and look like I have two swords. The frilly shirt is cut low in front to show much of my chest. There’s a silk sash for a belt, and after adding the hat, boots, and sword along with the famous mask, I look and feel like Zorro.
Your costume consists of a long strapless gown with a slit in one side that runs to your hip. You wear a shawl and place large combs in your hair, with a little veil and fan to complete the look. Although you’re supposed to be a young virginal woman, you look plenty hot to me. Your large round boobs spill out over the top of your dress, and the length of thigh revealed by the slit in your dress is mighty inviting.
At the party we flirt with each other, and I can tell you’re getting horny as the evening progresses. You discreetly rub my cock several times while giving me an innocent look. You’re really into this role playing, and it turns you on.
After a full evening of fine wine and food, we’re both ready to head home. Once there I start to go upstairs, but you ask me to stay in costume and dance with you. You open another bottle of wine for us and put on some music.
“Maybe you can help me with a fantasy,” you whisper to me as we dance. “I want you to take off your sash and tie it around my eyes.” I do so, playing along. “Now pretend that I’m a young senorita who you have captured and want to make love to. Tell me what you’re going to do to me.”
I slip my hand into the slit in your dress, only to find you’re not wearing panties. You keep talking to me about how you’re a young innocent virgin. “Please be gentle with me,” you whisper. “I know your reputation, Zorro. I know how you toy with young women.” I feel your passion growing as you clutch at me. Then you grab my cock and beg me to satisfy your hunger. You’re on fire! You even suck my cock through the thin trousers, until I push them down and you gobble my meat, deep-throating me as never before. I’ve never seen you like this. I erupt in your mouth, and you drink down every bit of my come.
I then lie you on the floor and mount you as you scream for me to take you. You’re so eager that I never even take off your dress. Your beautiful tits spill out over the top of it, and you raise your lower body off the floor to meet my strokes. You’re absolutely wild, screaming, “Fuck me, masked man! Fuck me!” You’re so aroused by this role playing that you have multiple orgasms, which is rare for you. I have all I can do to stay on top of your bucking, twisting body until I come.
You tell me later that you’ve had this fantasy for some time. You say you loved pretending to be taken sexually by Zorro, or some other masked lover, and that you often masturbated to this fantasy. You then ask me if I think badly of you because of this. I have to laugh at you. I tell you I’m happy that you feel you can share your fantasy with me, and confide that some day I might share one with you in return.
After that we periodically dress up and repeat the performance. Each time you seem more excited to be ravished by your masked lover.
When my best friend from college, Rex, calls to tell me he’s coming through town, I invite him to stay with us for the weekend, which he’s often done before. Then I get an idea.
I go alone to pick Rex up at the airport. On the way back I tell him about my new role playing with you, and how worked up you get. Rex is clearly excited, and keeps pumping me for more details.
I know that Rex has always had a special thing for you, and always enjoys flirting with you. I’ve wondered at times if you’d ever be interested in being intimate with him. The fact is, I’ve always had a fantasy of seeing you with another guy, and have even thought about you with Rex. But I’ve never discussed this with you.
“This is the hottest thing I ever heard!” Rex exclaimed. He’s ripe for my suggestion, and when I make it to him he almost goes crazy. I tell him I’ve not yet raised the subject with you, and aren’t sure of your reaction. He says if I can persuade you, he’ll be eternally grateful.
I call you on my cell phone and tell you to put on your senorita costume and wait for me in the living room. When we get home I sneak Rex into the house and send him up to the bedroom before confronting you. I also tell him where to find the Zorro costume. I then go into the living room where you’re waiting, expecting a hot role playing session. Well, I hope that’s what you’re going to get.
“Remember I told you that I would share a fantasy of mine with you some time?” I began. “Well, now’s the time. And I think we can satisfy both our fantasies at the same time.”
When I tell you, you’re shocked at first, but not as shocked, I think, as you might have been. And after a few minutes I can see the idea working in you. You don’t say yes, but you don’t say no either. And when I tell you that Zorro is waiting for you up in our bedroom, I can see the lust almost visibly take you over. I stand up and hold out my hand, and you come with me without a word.
In the bedroom, Rex is waiting, complete with costume and mask. He has the sense not to say a word, but immediately takes you in his arms and begins dancing with you. You start whispering breathlessly about how you’re a young virgin, begging him to be gentle. Rex blindfolds you with the sash, then grabs your ass and pulls you to his chest as you reach for his crotch and begin to massage his cock.
Rex slides his hand into the slit in your dress and slips his fingers into your pussy. I see you jerk slightly as they slide inside you. He then pulls out his fingers and places them in your mouth, and you begin to suck them. With a moan you drop to your knees, pull out his cock, and begin sucking him as though you’re starved for it. You’re really in heat, possessed by the raw passion of your fantasy. He pumps your mouth, and you grab his ass to pull him even closer. Then he erupts, and you attempt to swallow as much as possible as he spews his jism into your mouth. Some of it spills out onto your lips, and you lick it off.
Rex removes his remaining clothes and your dress. He lays you on the bed and you spread your legs, moaning for him to take you. You’re definitely wet and ready, and he slides his cock in all the way to his balls. You immediately start bucking and begging him to fuck you. “Take me, my masked lover!” you cry. “Fuck me hard! Fill my virgin pussy with your seed!”
Rex doesn’t need any more urging. He fucks you fast and furiously, and you fuck him back, until you both come in a paroxysm of mad lust, groaning and yelling. Then Rex falls away from you, and I move in to take his place. I stuck my cock in your already full pussy and enjoy the sensation of sloppy seconds. I come quickly, adding my juice to Rex’s and yours.
We play Zorro for the rest of the weekend. Zorro and friend.
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Roses Are Red
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Posted:Sep 16, 2008 5:50 am
Last Updated:Sep 26, 2008 4:06 am
2663 Views
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This woman and her husband have a really bad fight. He goes off to work the next day without talking to her, but she doesn't care.
She's busy doing her thing around the house. All of the sudden, around 1 in the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to the door, opens it, and there is a young delivery guy from the local florist shop with an enormous, beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed red roses–the expensive ones–from her husband.
She says to the delivery guy with disgust, "Oh CRAP!"
The delivery guy says, "What's the matter lady? You don't like roses?"
She replies, "Yeah, I like roses. But do you know what this means?"
He says, "No, lady. What does this mean?"
She answers, "It means that for the next two weeks I'll be lying on my back with my legs in the air."
He replies, "Geez, lady. Don't you have a vase?"
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A Day at the Beach
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Posted:Sep 10, 2008 7:40 am
Last Updated:Sep 29, 2008 12:17 am
2532 Views
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In the words of my muse . . .
We’re relaxing in the shade under a huge umbrella on a warm beach not far from my house. As the sun starts to set, you rise and tell me to wait for you. You leave and return a few moments later with two towels, two cotton robes, and a basket. When I ask you what they’re for, you reply simply, “You’ll soon find out.”
You stretch a large blanket out on the sand and call me to you. There’s nobody within eyeshot or earshot. When I reach you, you pick me up and lay me down gently on the blanket, my head resting on an oversize pillow. Where the pillow came from, or the blanket for that matter, I have no idea. Maybe it’s a dream.
You sit me up just long enough to remove my top, then lay me back down. As you undo my pants, you place a hand on the small of my back, lifting me just enough to pull down the pants, leaving me with just my thong on. You then roll me over onto my stomach and open the basket, bringing out a pre-warmed bottle of jasmine-scented oil, which you begin to rub onto my back. I begin to feel all my stresses and strains magically melting away.
You tell me to keep my arms relaxed at my sides, adding that you will position me as needed. You start with the right side of my body, massaging my shoulder, then down my arm to my hand. You massage my hand as well, each finger at a time, and my palm.
Once my hand and arm are completely relaxed, you move down the right side of my body, your hands working laterally from my spine to my side and back, while also moving gradually downward to my waist. You then switch to my left side and repeat the process.
Once my upper half is covered with oil and relaxes, you return your attention to the basket, pulling out a rose-scented bottle of warm oil. Starting with my left foot, you massage your way slowly up the outside of my leg to my hip, then do the same with my right leg.
You then ask me to roll over onto my back. After helping me do that, you turn your focus to the tops of my feet and the front of my calves and thighs. Then, switching back to the jasmine oil, you begin to massage my lower abdomen up to the base of my chest.
The rose-scented oil comes into play again as you rub the valley between my large breasts, and then around the breasts themselves. From there you massage the tops of my shoulders, then my neck and up the sides of my face to my temples.
Now you return to the basket, bringing out yet another bottle of oil, this one slightly chilled. Setting it down for a moment, you slide off my thong, leaving me naked. Then you pick up the bottle and gently apply some of the liquid to my warm, wet pussy. I jump slightly at the sudden chill, but after a moment my entire pussy begins to moisten and come alive with sensation.
Placing another pillow under my hips so you can more easily reach the center of me, you rub some more of the chilled oil over the inside of my thighs and onto my clitoris, making it very sensitive. You apply dollops of the same oil to the tips of my breasts, causing my nipples to stand up stiffly. Taking them into your mouth one at a time, you warm them deliciously with your lips and tongue, then pull them into your mouth with a slight suction, teasing them with your tongue, while at the same time your hand goes between my legs, your fingers teasing my clitoris. The slightly chilled oil quickly turns warm, almost hot, waking my pussy from its long sleep. Still pulling on my nipples with your lips, you now rub my entire vaginal area from my clit to my asshole.
I’m in heaven, each sensation heightened by the oils and the breeze on my sensitive body. The knowledge that somebody could come along at any time somehow adds to the thrill and pleasure of the moment.
Just as I think that it can’t get any better than this, your mouth moves from my nipples to my pussy, licking and sucking on my clitoris, pulling it into your mouth and teasing the tip with your tongue.
I’m now very wet and hot, the oils getting warmer with each passing moment. I actually start to climax, but I’m denied that pleasure and you teasingly pull your mouth away at the crucial moment. You then pull off your shirt and open your pants, exposing your rock-hard cock, which seems to throb in time with your heartbeat.
Smiling at me, you ask me teasingly what I want next, and as you know I would, I begin to beg you to stick your cock into my now quivering pussy. Granting my wish, you bring it to my hole and slide just the tip of it inside me. Maddeningly, you begin to fuck me with just that little bit, ignoring my efforts to pull you deeper as I thrust myself up at you. Then, just as I’ve almost resigned myself to the idea that that is all I’m going to get, you slide the entire length of yourself into my begging pussy with one smooth motion.
I cry out with joy as you bury yourself inside me, then pull all the way out, only to thrust back in again, letting me feel every inch of your cock pushing my lips open, then twitching as if with a life of its own when it’s all the way inside me. My pussy is twitching, too, flexing and twitching as though trying to pull you still deeper inside me with each thrust.
Finally I’m allowed to orgasm, and with each wave of pleasure you flex your cock inside me to intensify the sensation. When my climax subsides, you pull yourself out of me, denying yourself your own orgasm for the present.
Your fingers and tongue busy themselves briefly on my clit and my nipples as I begin to breathe normally again. Then you reach into the basket once more, this time pulling out a small bulb-shaped device that vibrates at the push of a button, with straps attached to hold it in place. Strapping his device around my hips, you push the bulb inside me, then press the button. The thing starts to vibrate very slowly, sending wave after wave of further pleasure coursing through me.
Kneeling at my side, you again rub my sensitive breasts and pull at my nipples. Your cock is close to my face now, and I open my mouth, silently begging to be allowed to take him in. As you had with my pussy, you now tease my mouth with your dick, not allowing me to take it all at first, but then sliding it in, more and more, until I can feel the tip of it in my throat. I can feel you throbbing in my mouth as I suck and lick that cock like a lollipop, until finally you pull it out of my mouth and shoot your jism all over my neck and chest.
With the bulb still vibrating just inside my pussy, you now begin to lick and kiss my thighs, parting my legs so you can kiss my pussy lips, licking around the bulb and down to the area just above my anus. As you do this I take your spent cock in my hands, stroking and pulling at it and rubbing some of the left-over oil into the hardening flesh. I put some on your balls, too, and continue to play with you until I know you’re ready to come again. As I feel you start to ejaculate, I angle your cock so you shoot on me once more, covering my neck and now my face with your juice of love.
Your tongue now moves directly into my anus, and I moan, pushing up with my hips to better expose the tiny opening to your ministrations. You continue to lick it and also to rub it with one oil-covered finger.
Then you change positions again, and removing the bulb from my now extremely wet pussy, you slide your dick deep inside it, holding up one leg and still fingering my anus as you push yourself into my depths. When you’re in all the way you wait for just the right moment, knowing I’m on the brink of orgasm, and then slide your finger into my asshole, not only making me come but setting yourself off again as well.
The fantastic pleasure is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. Even as I scream out in ecstasy I can feel your cock jumping and spurting inside me while your finger continues to massage my asshole. We clutch each other’s bodies as we come down to earth together.
We share a long, loving moment of passion and bliss, lying in the warm breeze, entwined in each other’s arms. Then we drift off to sleep as the sun sets over the calm blue water.
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Snatch-Eating Frog
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Posted:Sep 8, 2008 5:51 am
Last Updated:Sep 23, 2008 3:42 pm
2467 Views
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A woman goes to a pet store to purchase some food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box and it says, "Snatch-Eating Frogs $20 each (comes with instructions)".
She looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her food and heads for home. She gets there, takes out the instructions, and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it says to do.
1. Take a shower. Put on some nice-smelling perfume.
2. Put on a very sexy teddy.
3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs, and put the frog down "there."
To her surprise, nothing happens. She decides that perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog. So she showers again and tries another perfume.
She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs, and . . . nothing.
She's totally frustrated and pissed off at this point. She reads the instructions again, thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the page it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, she calls. The man from behind the counter says, "I've had a few complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."
After the man gets to her house, the woman says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes, and says, "I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS JUST ONE MORE TIME!"
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Homecoming
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Posted:Sep 4, 2008 4:33 am
Last Updated:Nov 23, 2009 3:52 am
2882 Views
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I can’t wait to get back to you. After ten days on the west coast closing two very complex business deals, I’m exhausted but eager to see you. I sit on the plane, staring out the window at the skyline, already daydreaming about the things I’ll do when I finally get to you.
About an hour after my plane sets down, I’m pushing my key into the front door and calling your name. You come running down the hallway and leap right into my arms. After a few minutes of talking about the trip and the flight back, I carry my suitcase to our bedroom. I go to use the bathroom, and when I come out you’re kneeling beside my luggage, already unpacking and throwing clothes into the hamper.
I quietly walk over and kneel down behind you, then start rubbing your back and shoulders and kissing down the side of your neck. “I missed you so much,” I whisper as I slide my hands over your shoulders and gently pull the thin straps down off each one. I look down at your prodigious breasts, and can’t help putting my hands on them. You turn around so you can kiss me, but instead of letting you I just dip my head a little farther and lift your right tit up toward my mouth. I swirl my tongue around the sensitive nipple and suck while I massage your other breast, gently twisting and squeezing the nipple. When I hear your breathing pick up, I trail my kisses upward, first to your neck and then to your mouth.
It feels as though it’s been a million years since we’ve made love, and it’s like the first time all over again. I swiftly pull off your dress, leaving you in nothing but your thong. We’re passionately making out when I lift you up and you wrap your legs around me. I walk over to the bed and lay you down. I tell you not to move a muscle as I flip on some relaxing music and light a couple of candles around the bed. Then I stop for a couple of seconds and stare at you, spread across the bed in all your luscious beauty.
“God, you’re gorgeous,” I whisper. Swiftly I strip down to my boxers and climb onto the bed, crawling up you, stopping to kiss your legs and run my hands over them. When I get to your crotch, I kiss and lick all around your inner thighs while lightly blowing puffs of warm air from the back of my throat. Then I move up and run my hands all over your body until they come to rest on your chest again. I squeeze your breasts together and suck on your pinkish-brown nipples. My dick is grazing your pussy through our underwear, and I know I can’t wait much longer.
You roll me over and climb on top of me as we kiss and fondle each other. You reach down for my dick, but I’m not ready to give over the control just yet. I roll back on top of you, pushing you onto the bed, and pull your thong off. “You’re so fucking sexy,” I growl, staring at your perfectly formed labia. “I just want to lick your pussy until you’re begging me to fuck you!”
You start to protest, since it’s been so long since we last had sex, but I won’t hear any of it. “Just relax, sweetheart. I’ve been dreaming about doing this,” I tell you, pressing my mouth to your pussy. I run my tongue all the way from the bottom to the very top a few times, making sure it’s all nice and moist. I lick in big circles around the outer edges of your vagina, the circles gradually becoming smaller and smaller, until I’m gently sucking on your clit. Then I start licking it, with big up-and-down strokes at first, then smaller, faster ones directly on the little button, until you’re moaning loudly.
With one smooth shift, I raise your legs and push them back against your chest, your ass cheeks rolling upward and separating. I then begin rimming your asshole, again in wide circles gradually shrinking to smaller ones all around and on your tight little brown pucker. Your moans and sighs become louder as I stiffen my tongue and press it against your sphincter, pushing hard until your tiny ring relaxes and admits my probe. Your hips begin to move in rhythm with my tongue plundering your nether region. You love having my tongue in your ass. And I love having it there even more.
When I think you’re close, I release your legs and resume licking all up and down your pussy again, then making circles and figure-eights around your clit. I can tell you’re on the brink, so I start licking it quickly until I feel your legs begin to shake. Your breathing is heavy and you can’t stop moaning. I continue what I’m doing until you grab my head and pull me up, demanding, “Get up here and fuck me like you haven’t seen me in ten days!”
I yank off my boxers and climb on top of you, guiding the head of my cock toward your pussy until it slides in almost automatically. I’ve nearly forgotten how incredible you feel, and I pause for a few seconds to enjoy the experience of being back in your arms and inside your heavenly body. I hold you as close as I can before I start grinding my pelvis up and down. After a few minutes I get onto my knees and grab you by the thighs, pushing them wide apart. You arch yourself up so we can both watch my dick slide in you as I begin thrusting fast and deep. We’re both moaning, and I know it won’t last much longer.
I sit up and pull you with me so that you’re straddling me, both of us sitting upright on the bed. I’m holding you at the waist and lifting your hips with every thrust I make. I slide my left hand onto your breast and lean down, sucking your right nipple into my mouth. But there is no holding back for either of us, and I know it’s time for us to come. I push you back down again, all the while keeping my shaft inside you. I slide my hands up your back and over your shoulders, pulling your body down farther onto my cock. I’m fucking you like it’s our first time, thrusting my dick vigorously into you and holding it there as I grind my hips against yours.
“We’ll make love later,” I tell you breathlessly, “but for right now I just want to fuck the hell out of you.” With that I stand up, pull you out of bed, turn you around, and shove you against the wall. You splay your fingers wide, bracing yourself, and thrust your ass back to meet me. I kiss your neck and massage your tits while I use my right hand to spread your legs and slide my throbbing cock into your round, upturned ass. You gasp and take several deep breaths, shake your hips, and exhale audibly as your asshole grips me like a vise. “God, how I love you in my ass,” you rasp into the wall. Then I fuck your ever-so-tight back passage as hard as I can, literally lifting you off the floor, until we’re both about to orgasm. I pull out of your clutching asshole and push you back down onto the bed, grabbing your legs and spreading them wide as I stand between them, looking down at your smooth, hairless, glistening cunt, and smile. You shimmy to the edge of the bed and I slide my cock inside your pussy one more time, giving you all I have left.
“I’m about to come, baby,” I pant, pounding into you.
“Oh, god, I want your come so bad!” you reply, meeting my thrusts. And seconds later we’re both moaning louder than ever as I pump my hot seed into you. Your body stiffens and shudders as you hit your release at the same moment.
We’re sweaty and breathless as I collapse onto you, hugging you close. After we recover, we lie in bed and talk for a long time, and I find myself wondering which I really like better, holding you close and kissing you as we fall asleep, or making love to you. I look into your sweet, grey eyes and plant a long, slow kiss on your lips. “I love you so much,” you say, and then I know the answer to my question.
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Dynamite
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Posted:Sep 2, 2008 7:52 am
Last Updated:Sep 4, 2008 3:29 am
2145 Views
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A body builder walks into a bar. After a few drinks, he picks up a girl and decides to head back to his place. By the time they get there, he sees that the girl is so excited that he rips off his shirt, points to his bulging biceps, and says, "See these, baby? One thousand pounds of dynamite!"
The girl becomes even more excited. Seeing this, the body builder tears off his jeans, points to his muscular thighs, and says, "See these, baby? One thousand pounds of dynamite!"
The girl can hardly contain herself at this point. So finally, he drops his jockey shorts. The girl jumps up and runs for the door. The muscle man catches up with her and says, "Baby, where are you going?"
She replies, "With two thousand pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I’m afraid you’re going to explode!"
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Book Party
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Posted:Aug 27, 2008 12:57 pm
Last Updated:Dec 2, 2009 1:17 am
2875 Views
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In the words of my muse . . .
I’m still damp from the shower. I’ve been thinking of my boyfriend, due back in a little while from his month-long visit with his family, and I’ve dried myself carelessly. Drops of moisture make dark patterns in the white clingy tank top and sheer red panties I’ve hastily donned. They make the top nearly transparent in places, outlining my damp breasts and semi-erect nipples.
A printout of his last email lay where I left it, in the center of the bed. Standing by the foot of the four-poster, I bend over the footboard to reach for it. Leaning forward with my elbows resting on the bed, I again begin to peruse his loving words.
He isn’t due home until later in the day, but suddenly I know he’s here. He must have arrived while I was in the shower, I think. I feel his presence behind me before I feel him.
No words are said. I feel his warm, masculine hand on the small of my back, sending thrills through my body. I try to stand up and face him, but he keeps his hand there, indicating that I should stay as I am. My top has ridden up in my bent position to expose my red panties. They’re thin, and I know he’s looking at the way my ass fills them up. Heat begins to build up in my stomach and loins, and yet shivers run through me as I anticipate his next move.
His hand slides my top up to my shoulders and begins to caress my smooth skin, sliding in a lazy, gentle trail down my back to the top edge of my panties. I can feel the wetness at my crotch. I want him. I’ve waited for him and now I need him.
He continues to caress my back sensuously as he removes my top. Again his hand slides down to the top of my panties, then over my ass to the bottom edge. One of his fingers slides inside, and I press down against it, bathing it in my juices.
I moan as the finger moves away, but catch my breath as he slides my panties down to a puddle at my feet. His hands slip gently between my thighs, and I offer no resistance as he spreads them apart. I’m almost gasping now. He’s bent over me, our bodies frozen, resting against each other. I feel the fabric of his suit press against my naked back. I hear his belt slide from its loops, and I have a sudden flash of fantasy. Will he spank me? But no.
Slightly disappointed, I notice the belt hit the floor. Then I hear the sound of his zipper, and I wait with whirling anticipation. Yes! His warmth is pressing against me, his firm, pulsing shaft cradles in the curves of my ass. I push against him in fervent need, but he makes me wait. A gentle kiss between my shoulder blades sends jolts through my anxious body. I feel his weight shift from atop me, only to feel his hands on my hips. His thick shaft glides down between the curves of my rear, its head pushing my cheeks farther apart. My already short breath catches in my throat as the top of his manhood touches my swollen lips. A loud moan escapes me and my entire body quivers as he pushes himself into me.
A firm, rhythmic rocking ensues as my wet inner walls greedily grip his member. I grab a handful of sheet as my cunt muscles begin to tighten. I push against him, my face jammed against the bed, my cries muffled by the thick comforter. He continues, harder, faster, stronger. Another spasm rocks my body as his thick, hot fluid fills me.
We lie entwined, him atop me, my face still buried in the bed as we catch our breath. It seems like a long time before I’m able to speak. When I do it’s still somewhat breathlessly. “So you jet-set travelers really do make love with your Gucci loafers on,” I say.
“I wouldn’t know.”
The voice is different. I turn quickly and see . . . not who I expected. It’s not my boyfriend at all, but you–my long-distance lover from New York–and you’ve come all this way to surprise me and personally deliver an autographed copy of your just-published novel.
I watch as you zip up your pants and start to replace your belt. I can still feel the strength of you, the way my body convulsed around you.
“Wait,” I say. “I didn’t thank you for the book.”
“No need,” is your only reply.
“There is a need.” I rise and step in against your wide chest and you put your strong arms around my naked waist. Our lips meet for the first time, tongues entwined. Your right hand slides to the curve of my ass as I unbutton your suit jacket. I can see the bulge in your pants growing as I toss your white dress shirt onto your suit coat. I tilt my head back as your lips explore the tender flesh of my neck.
I drop to my knees then, bringing your pants and boxer shorts with me. My left hand snakes upward along your inner thigh and cups your balls. My right hand lightly pumps your shaft, and you grow rigid under my touch. I watch as a drop of precome appears at the tip of your cock.
My left hand dips below my waist, coating my fingers with my juices. I inch closer, placing your shaft between my breasts. I continue to finger-fuck myself as I rub your cock over my chest. Precome glistens in a trail from my left collarbone to my left nipple. I look up into your hazel eyes. Your breath is coming in short gasps, and I know that both of us are close. My left hand moves up your leg, my nails sending a shiver through you. My fingers play with the skin between your balls and anus.
Your legs stiffen as I push a pussy-moistened finger into your asshole and apply pressure to your gland. I press your cock against your stomach and put my lips against the thick vein on the underside. I can feel it pulse. My tongue darts out and licks a trail upward, tasting our mixed juices still on you. You draw a sharp breath as my lips close tightly around your cockhead, my tongue playing over the small slit on top.
Your hands dart to my shoulders, your breath coming out in gasps. I slide my head down, my finger still pushing at your gland. I can feel you pulse in the back of my throat. I continue to deep-throat you until your grip on my shoulders tightens and your legs go stiff. Your hot load comes out in spurts, and I drink it gratefully. I kiss and lick your shaft clean, then stand once more and go into your arms.
You pick me up then and toss me lightly onto the soft king-sized bed, then follow me there. We roll together, kissing, and end with me on top, straddling your lap. I close my eyes and rock my hips, rubbing my pussy against your shaft. Then, reaching down, I guide you into me, moaning as I feel you fill me once again.
I feel your hands on my flat stomach, and then they move to my breasts and begin softly caressing my hardened nipples. I press my crotch hard against you as small spasms begin to rock my body. My body arches and my head goes back as a primal moan escapes my lips. Your hands go to my waist and pull me down, rocking me back and forth until I lose count of the tremors that ripple through me.
Suddenly my legs go weak and I can feel the strength seep out of me. My head slumps forward and I fall onto you, unable to move. After a moment, you slide from under me, leaving me lying on my stomach, panting for breath. I feel you kiss the small of my back, but I’m unable to move.
You spread my legs apart and your fingers delve under me as your lips now kiss the back of my thigh. Settling behind me, you gently lift my hips. I still can barely move, but I moan in pleasure as you taste me from behind. Your tongue darts over my outer lips, push inside me and run along the inside of my pussy. You press your face harder against me and lap my juices. I can feel your tongue each time it moves in and out of me. I moan again, and now find enough strength to raise my hips higher and open wider for you.
You continue to lick the honey that now oozes freely from my pussy. After a minute, I feel you kiss my outer lips, and your tongue darts across them. You kiss the back of my right thigh, then press forward again, that tongue now brushing teasingly over my clit. I want it to linger there, but it moves lower, spreading my lips apart as it trails back through my quivering slit. I expect you to stop at the lower end of my pussy, but you continue. My breath catches as I feel that tongue lick at the ring of my anus, then press against it. It withdraws, and your finger follows, worming its way inside my ass. I groan with passion. Are you going to fill me there, too?
You kiss your way up my back, and when your mouth reaches my neck I feel your solid penis resting once more between my ass cheeks. I press myself to you and huskily breathe only one word: “Yes!”
The thick tip of your cock presses against my hole, and I give a sharp cry as you plunge yourself into me. You fill me to bursting, and I cry out, “Yes! Fuck me! Fuck my ass hard!”
You continue to thrust into me, and I pump myself back at you, my desire having restored my strength. I’m about to tell you to do more when I feel a sharp, delicious smack on my ass. I moan with rapturous joy, burying my face down in the pillow as you kiss me again.
With me moaning encouragement, you smack me again and again as you fill my ass. Finally I feel your legs tighten and your breath catch as you empty yourself inside me, once again filling me with warmth, and I spasm mightily, joining you in release.
In a daze of fulfillment I feel you leave me, then hear you collect your clothes. I lie there spent and sated, knowing you’ll return when you finish your next book.
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Big, Fat, and Juicy
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Posted:Aug 26, 2008 6:11 am
Last Updated:Aug 27, 2008 2:36 pm
2323 Views
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A cucumber and a pickle are having a conversation, and the pickle says to the cucumber, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy they sprinkle seasonings over me and stick me in a jar."
So the cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad. Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy they slice me up and they put me over salad."
So this penis is walking by, overhears their conversation, and says, "You think your life is tough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark smelly room, and make me do push ups until I throw up!"
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To link to this blog (easylay3x) use [blog easylay3x] in your messages.
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