Happy Thanksgiving
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Posted:Nov 23, 2009 7:39 am
Last Updated:Dec 15, 2009 7:29 am
12860 Views
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Happy Thanksgiving!
I'll be going on vacation right after the holidays so I won't be around for a few weeks. I hope you all enjoy the holiday. 
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The Invention of Sex
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Posted:Oct 15, 2009 8:25 am
Last Updated:May 21, 2024 10:20 pm
12610 Views
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A Greek and an Italian were talking one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over coffee the Greek said, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
The Italian replied, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorted, "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics. "
The Italian, nodding, said, "But we built the Roman Empire ."
And, so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he said, "We invented sex!"
The Italian replied, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
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The Sensitive Man
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Posted:Sep 24, 2009 7:48 am
Last Updated:May 18, 2014 9:27 am
13078 Views
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A woman meets a man in a bar,
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my ?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
‘Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!'
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Forgiveness
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Posted:Jun 15, 2009 6:39 am
Last Updated:May 18, 2014 9:28 am
12579 Views
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Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
"Miss Joyce''; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'
I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.
'Miss Joyce", that is very unusual. How old are you?'
'Ninety-eight.' she replied.
'Oh, Miss. Joyce, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:
'I outlived the bitches.' 
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Lawyer jokes?
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Posted:Mar 5, 2009 6:18 am
Last Updated:May 18, 2014 9:29 am
12514 Views
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How many Lawyer jokes are there?
(answer inside)
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4
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Why boys need parents...
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Posted:Feb 19, 2009 6:42 am
Last Updated:Mar 10, 2009 6:13 am
12436 Views
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This is for those mothers and fathers of boys, sisters of boys, and boys that have grown older. And anyone else who needs a laugh.
You find out interesting things when you have sons, like…
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. 9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36- year old Man says they can only do it in the movies. 10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCRs do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without .
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.
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Tickle Me Elmo
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Posted:Feb 6, 2009 6:09 am
Last Updated:Mar 2, 2009 6:35 am
9126 Views
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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!’
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Life's a beach
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Posted:Dec 18, 2008 6:23 am
Last Updated:Dec 26, 2008 8:54 am
8421 Views
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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive my Vette over there to visit?" The genie laughed , "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete-how much steel! And the maintenance of that bridge! No - think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I'm married to a redhead. So, I wish that I could under-stand her ...... know how she feels inside and what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment...... know what she really wants when she says 'nothing'...know how to make her truly happy......I want to know how she can be so damn sexy one second and be the devils , the next. I really want to under-stand her and how she thinks!"
The genie said, "You want that bridge with two lanes or four?"
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Happy Thanksgiving
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Posted:Nov 25, 2008 6:25 am
Last Updated:Dec 22, 2008 6:19 am
8354 Views
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Happy Thanksgiving!
Don't eat too much turkey. 
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4
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Senior moment (2)
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Posted:Nov 10, 2008 6:27 am
Last Updated:Nov 28, 2008 6:13 am
7813 Views
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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do,"
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
Yep," was the calm reply.
And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years!"
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Senior moment!
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Posted:Aug 29, 2008 6:43 am
Last Updated:Nov 13, 2008 6:41 am
7854 Views
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There was this 25 year old male, jogging through the park one day, when he runs by this old man sobbing uncontrollably. The jogger decides he'd better stop and see if he could be of some help.
"What's the matter old man... why are you crying?"
The old man replies, "Just this morning, I woke up to my beautiful 25 year old wife riding me like she was in the Kentucky Derby.... Boo hoo hoo" the old man continued to cry.
The jogger asked, "Ok, but why are you crying?"
"Well, later that afternoon, my wife invited over her best friend, who's centerfold material, and they both stripped off all their clothes strutting around in their high heels, and then proceeded to give me the best three way a guy could ever dream of...
Boo HOO HOO" the old man cried even louder.
"OK, Sooooo, WHY are you crying???" the jogger was baffled.
"Well, then, for dinner my wife and I had a romantic meal and then she took me into the bedroom and proceeded to give me the best blow job I've EVER had... she made me pass out... BOO HOO HOO!!!" the old man was in hysterics.
The jogger couldn't contain himself, "OH, C'MON OLD MAN, tell me, WHY are you still crying???"
The old man sucked back his tears and said, "Because, I can't remember where I live!"
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