Old Farts
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Posted:Jul 17, 2015 9:13 am
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 8:14 am
5091 Views
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Subject: Old Farts
****The Garage Door ****
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question. As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open
& zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his
'garage door.' He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?' She smiled and said,
"No, I didn't. All I saw was an old tired minivan with two flat tires..."
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive and she has a car!'
Three old guys are out walking...
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'*
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'*
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer... '*
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars but it's the state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really? answered the neighbor. What kind is it?'
Twelve thirty... '
Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to
Morris and said, "You're really doing great aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said "I didn't say that ... I said,
'You've got a heart murmur; be careful!!"
And one more... !
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice creamparlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly,"Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
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Why Teachers DRINK
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Posted:Jul 14, 2015 12:20 pm
Last Updated:Jul 18, 2015 6:07 pm
5119 Views
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Why Teachers DRINK
The following questions were set in a GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds – 'selected')
Q. Name the four seasons
A ... Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q. How is dew formed.
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A ... If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A ... Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs...
(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)
Q ... What happens to your body as you age
A ... When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A ... He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A ... Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination
A ... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A ... Keep it in the cow.
(Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A ... The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U (wtf!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A ... A small lie.
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A ... Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A ... Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A ... The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A ... A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A ... Benign is what you will be after you be eight
(brilliant).
Q. What is a turbine?
A ... Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
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5 Year Old
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Posted:Jul 2, 2015 10:52 am
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 8:14 am
4786 Views
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5 Year Old
He was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.
"What's up Bob?" asked the bartender.
"It's not like you to be so down in the mouth."
"It's my five year old ..." the man replied.
"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad's just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age," said the bartender, sympathetically.
"I only wish it was that," continued the customer, "but it's far worse than that. The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant."
"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the bartender.
"It's not," said the man. "The little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms."
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Why sentence structure is so crucial.
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Posted:Jun 29, 2015 12:54 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 8:14 am
4820 Views
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Why sentence structure is so crucial.
Business was terrible and not picking up. The boss had to fire somebody,
and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the
water cooler the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before,
but I have to either lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like shit."
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'OLD' IS WHEN..
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Posted:Jun 23, 2015 7:42 am
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2015 12:54 pm
5221 Views
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'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love, ' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND ****
'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes.
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The Irish Priest
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Posted:Jun 20, 2015 5:00 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 8:14 am
5009 Views
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The Irish Priest
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas...
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead on me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment ... Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."
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Waiting on the Front Porch
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Posted:Jun 17, 2015 9:52 am
Last Updated:Jun 18, 2015 7:34 pm
5150 Views
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Waiting on the Front Porch
On the first day, God created the and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the did?"
And God, again saw that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed that it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. For the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch!
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MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT
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Posted:Jun 14, 2015 9:49 am
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 8:14 am
4971 Views
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MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT
You are not a superman
If it's stupid, but works, it's not stupid.
Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
When in doubt, empty your magazine.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
Never share a foxhole with someone braver than you are.
If your attack is going really well, it's an ambush.
No plan survives the first contact intact.
All five second grenade fuses will burn down in three seconds.
Try to look unimportant because the bad guys may be low on ammo.
If you are forward of your position, the artillery will fall short.
The enemy diversion you are ignoring is the main attack.
The important things are always simple.
The simple things are always hard.
The easy way is always mined.
If you are short of everything except enemy, you are in combat.
When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
Friendly fire – isn't.
If the enemy is in range, "'SO ARE YOU".
No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
Beer math is: two beers times 37 men = 49 cases.
Things that must be together to work, usually can't be shipped together.
Radio's will fail as soon as you need fire support desperately.
Anything you do can get you shot – including doing nothing.
Tracers work both ways.
The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.
Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
When both sides are convinced that they are about to lose, they are both right.
Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.
Murphy was a grunt.
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SHAMPOO IN THE SHOWER WARNING!
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Posted:Jun 14, 2015 9:48 am
Last Updated:Jun 14, 2015 7:28 pm
4974 Views
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SHAMPOO IN THE SHOWER WARNING!
DO NOT wash your hair in the shower! It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful! IT INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT. A WARNING TO US ALL!
Shampoo Warning! I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and yet printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning,"FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
No wonder I have been gaining weight! Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dish washing Soap. It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.
Problem solved! If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!
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The Proper Way To Call Someone A Bastard
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Posted:Jun 14, 2015 9:47 am
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 8:14 am
4608 Views
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The Proper Way To Call Someone A Bastard
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.
The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."
The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a . And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along, I'll marry them."
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Survival
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Posted:Jun 13, 2015 11:28 am
Last Updated:Jun 14, 2015 7:29 pm
4994 Views
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One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
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"You've built a Golf Course?"
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Poetic Golf
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Posted:Jun 13, 2015 3:58 am
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 8:14 am
4116 Views
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Poetic Golf
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,
I Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises A Thing Called Par,
If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or! Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls...
A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a Year.
That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. Almost feel like a hybrid.
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Nude Runner
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Posted:Jun 8, 2015 4:18 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 8:14 am
4097 Views
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Nude Runner
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope ... just when it's raining
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