alcohol
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Posted:Nov 27, 2015 3:12 pm
Last Updated:Dec 21, 2015 11:59 pm
14055 Views
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A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches an attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, "May I buy you a cocktail?"
"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."
"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
"No, they spread."
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dynamite
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Posted:Nov 22, 2015 2:17 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 6:28 am
14145 Views
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The body builder takes off his shirt
And the blonde says,
"What a Great chest you have!'
He tells her,
'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, '
"What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her,
'That's 100 lbs. Of dynamite, Baby.'
He then removes his underwear and
The blonde goes running out of the
Apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes
Back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why
She ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies,
'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite
After I saw how short the fuse was!'
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out of the mouth of babes
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Posted:Nov 21, 2015 3:41 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 6:28 am
12439 Views
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A Sunday school teacher asked her as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
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Tough Call
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Posted:Nov 3, 2015 2:52 pm
Last Updated:Nov 4, 2015 4:57 pm
10901 Views
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Tough Call
A man went to the Harborview Medical Center in Seattle, Washington, to have his wedding ring cut off his penis.
According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis...
OR...
3. Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Tough call. You decide.
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3
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Conundrum
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Posted:Nov 1, 2015 1:34 pm
Last Updated:Nov 1, 2015 5:23 pm
10776 Views
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Conundrum
A gun is like a parachute. If you need one, and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again.
The definition of the word Conundrum is: something that is puzzling or confusing.
Here are six Conundrums of socialism in the United States of America :
1. America is capitalist and greedy - yet half of the population is subsidized.
2. Half of the population is subsidized - yet they think they are victims.
3. They think they are victims - yet their representatives run the government.
4. Their representatives run the government - yet the poor keep getting poorer.
5. The poor keep getting poorer - yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.
6. They have things that people in other countries only dream about - yet they want America to be more like those other countries.
Think about it! And that, my friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21st Century. Makes you wonder who is doing the math.
These three, short sentences tell you a lot about the direction of our current government and cultural environment :
1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.
Funny how that works. And here's another one worth considering...
2. Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money. But we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money? What's interesting is the first group "worked for" their money, but the second didn't.
Think about it ... and Last but not least :
3. Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army but we are not stopping the payments or benefits to illegal aliens.
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Irish Mirror
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Posted:Oct 20, 2015 4:45 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 6:28 am
10802 Views
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Irish Mirror
After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.
In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the Image staring back at him.
"How 'bout that!" he exclaims, "Here's a picture of my Fadder."
He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go there and look at it.
His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's running around with."
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What Part of Your Body Goes to Heaven First?
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Posted:Oct 20, 2015 4:43 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 6:28 am
9728 Views
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What Part of Your Body Goes to Heaven First?
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body do you think goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming.' I gotta tell you, if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The Nun fainted.
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Boobs
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Posted:Oct 16, 2015 5:30 pm
Last Updated:Oct 17, 2015 12:43 am
7921 Views
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'Boobs Do you know what all those little bumps around a woman's nipples are for? They're braille for 'Suck Here!'
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creative writing
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Posted:Oct 5, 2015 6:25 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 6:28 am
7095 Views
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Here's a prime example of "Men from Mars, Women are from Venus." It is offered by an English professor from the University of Colorado as an actual class assignment:
A creative writing professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called a tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting next to his or her desk.
As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will email your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph and so on back-and-forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the emails and anything you wish to say must be written in the email. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
The story:
(First paragraph by Rebecca)
At first Laurie couldn't decide what kind of tea she wanted. Chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So Chamomile was out of the question.
(Second paragraph by Bill)
Meanwhile, Advance Sargent Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neurosis of an air headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his trans galactic communicator. "Polar Orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of skylon 4. "Congress passes law permanently abolishing war and space travel" Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.
(Bill)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenceless target for the hostile alien empires were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The president, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized even poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Bill)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or should I have some sort of fucking tea??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air headed bimbo. I guess I've read too many Danielle Steel novels!"
(Rebecca)
Asshole!
(Bill)
Bitch!
(Rebecca)
FUCK YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!
(Bill)
In your dreams, Ho. Go drink some tea.
(Teacher)
A+ - I really like this one.
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Yearly Dementia Test -- only 4 questions
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Posted:Sep 20, 2015 4:55 pm
Last Updated:Oct 20, 2015 4:44 pm
7216 Views
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Yearly Dementia Test -- only 4 questions
It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy, but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else ... Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk, ' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is overstressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer : Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks, ' why are you still reading these??? If you said 'glass, ' go on to Question 4.
4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on. In Swindon, 2 people get off and 4 get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, 3 people get off and 5 people get on. In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven...
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer : Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own age? It was YOU driving the bus!!! (Go back and look!)
If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
OK ... Or just go have another glass of wine ... Nothing will matter in a few hours ... And you will definitely NOT be driving the bus!!
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For all of us who are seniors...
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Posted:Sep 14, 2015 2:26 pm
Last Updated:Sep 15, 2015 3:21 am
5994 Views
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For all of us who are seniors...
The reason why baby diapers have brand names such as Luvs and Huggies, while undergarments for old people are called Depends:
When babies poop in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em and Hug'em.
When old people poop in their pants, it Depends on who's in the will!
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Dear Boss
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Posted:Sep 12, 2015 10:36 am
Last Updated:Sep 13, 2015 2:50 am
5528 Views
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Dear Boss;
I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die, and a health plan that most people can only dream about.
I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position. During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job.
Oh yeah, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter.
I can and will do this.
Sincerely,
Every Senator or Congressman running for President.
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patent office
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Posted:Sep 10, 2015 1:48 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 6:28 am
4805 Views
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Guy sits in the patent office all day waiting to see the main guy to get his product patented. Finally, at almost closing time, the secretary tells him that he can go in.
The boss apologized about having him wait as long as he did, but explained that they had been very busy that day.
"So, how can I help you, sir?" the boss said.
The man looked up at him and said, "I want to patent this new flavor of lollipop that I have developed."
The boss looks at the man and says, "Oh I'm so sorry sir, but we have all the flavors that you can think of patented already. Everything from lemon to lasagna to whatever you can think of."
The man says, "But you don't have this flavor, I'll bet!"
"And what flavor might that be?" says the boss.
The man says, "My lollipop tastes like pussy!"
"Yeah right," says the boss. "I can't believe that."
The man pulls a lollipop from his briefcase, unwraps it and hands it to the boss. "Here, taste it for yourself."
The boss licks it a couple of times and states, "Yuck, this tastes like shit!"
"Turn it around, turn it around," says the man.
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To link to this blog (LightMeUp4U) use [blog LightMeUp4U] in your messages.
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