Gotta sharp mind?
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Posted:Aug 5, 2016 10:09 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 10:35 pm
8097 Views
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I AM ONLY SENDING THIS TO MY OLD FRIENDS WITH SHARP MINDS
Something for seniors to do to keep those “aging” grey cells active!
1. Johnny’s mother had three . The first was named April. The second was named May ... What was the third ’s name?
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers ... What does he weigh?
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered ... what was the highest mountain in the world?
4. How much dirt is there in a hole ... that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
5. What word in the English Language ... is always spelled incorrectly?
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer ... How is this possible?
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg ... Why not?
8. What was the President’s Name ... in 1975?
9. If you were running a race ... and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
10. Which is correct to say...”The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field ... how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
ANSWERS BELOW...
Here are the Answers
1. Johnny’s mother had three . The first was named April The second was named May. What was the third ’s name?
Answer: Johnny of course
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn’t discovered yet. [You’re not very good at this are you?]
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.
5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can’t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.
8. What was the President’s Name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on... ]
9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.
10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.
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LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? A lexophile of course!
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Posted:Aug 5, 2016 10:03 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 10:35 pm
7676 Views
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LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP? A lexophile of course!
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he canstop any time
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
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grape salad
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Posted:Jun 14, 2016 7:33 pm
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 10:35 pm
8686 Views
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I got a salad for dinner.
Well actually a fruit salad.
Well mostly grapes.
Well all right all grapes.
Fermented grapes.
well Wine.
I have wine for dinner.
People that wonder if there glass is half empty or half full are missing the point.
IT’S REFILLABLE.
Did you know that two or three glasses of wine a day reduce you chance of giving a shit!
Not to be technical but according to chemistry Alcohol is a solution.
I am not a alcoholic, alcoholics need a drink. I already have one.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all of the wine I drink, I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think of all the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams.
If I didn’t’ drink the wine they might lose their jobs and all of their hopes and dreams would be shattered. Then I think to myself that it is better to drink this wine than shatter all of their hopes and dreams, than worry about my liver. Jack Hardy
I only drink a little but when I do I turn into someone who drinks a lot.
Dear alcohol your promised to make me prettier, funnier and a better dancer.
I saw the video we need to talk!
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can and wine to accept the things I can’t.
Of course size matters no one want a small glass of wine.
There should be a little Champaign Truck, that runs around the neighborhood in the evening playing French music. We would hear is and we would all run out standing on the pavement waiting for it, with our money. for it. Like, a ice cream truck, only this would be Champaign.
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college freshman of today
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Posted:Apr 11, 2016 3:05 pm
Last Updated:Apr 12, 2016 3:41 pm
10245 Views
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Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1998.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced 7 years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine...
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control...
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane..."
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
Mc Donald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading...
So have a nice day!!!!!
It is good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!!!!
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A walk through time.
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Posted:Apr 11, 2016 3:03 pm
Last Updated:Apr 12, 2016 3:40 pm
9733 Views
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1966: Long hair
2016: Longing for hair
1966: KEG
2016: EKG
1966: Acid rock
2016: Acid reflux
1966: Moving to California because it's cool
2016: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1966: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2016: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1966: Seeds and stems
2016: Roughage
1966: Hoping for a BMW
2016: Hoping for a BM
1966: Going to a new, hip joint
2016: Receiving a new hip joint
1966: Rolling Stones
2016: Kidney Stones
1966: Screw the system
2016: Upgrade the system
1966: Disco
2016: Costco
1966: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2016: begging you to get their heads shaved
1966: Passing the drivers' test
2016: Passing the vision test
1966: Whatever
2016: Depends
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Don't pay until work is done.
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Posted:Apr 9, 2016 3:20 am
Last Updated:Apr 17, 2016 12:43 am
9579 Views
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Yes, I fucked up, I paid before work was finished.
I hired a drywall guy to do rock and finish walls, paid him while they were working on house, then he went back to his regular job and he hasn't been back...
It has been 3 weeks since he showed up. He has had lot's of good excuses, working to far away and to tired to work on mine by time gets home..etc.
Last time I pay anyone until work is done.. And I know better..
I got tired of waiting so doing it myself now.
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Random Thoughts!
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Posted:Mar 20, 2016 1:49 pm
Last Updated:Mar 20, 2016 4:26 pm
10687 Views
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Random Thoughts!
My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.
I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
I don't mean to brag but ... I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
Remember back when we were and every time it was below zero out they closed school?
Me neither.
I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented ... I forgot where I was going with this.
I love being over 50. I learn something new every day ... and forget 5 others.
A thief broke into my house last night ... He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like: I KNOW!, Right?
I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
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Interesting tidbits
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Posted:Feb 20, 2016 4:07 pm
Last Updated:Feb 21, 2016 12:01 am
13168 Views
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Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for 1000 years.
Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.
If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
The song, Auld Lang Syne, is sung at the stroke of midnight tin almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the New Year.
Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.
Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
In ancient Greece, tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
Warner Communications paid 28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
A comet's tail always point away from the sun.
The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.
Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, which is why it is found in some medicines.
The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost, is sight.
In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.
Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off.
The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
If you spell out numbers in order, starting from zero, you will not need the letter A until you reach one thousand.
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Apolitical Aphorisms
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Posted:Jan 30, 2016 3:41 pm
Last Updated:Feb 21, 2016 12:02 am
13278 Views
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Apolitical Aphorisms
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~
There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
~Will Rogers~
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Six Little Life Wisdoms:
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Posted:Jan 25, 2016 10:33 am
Last Updated:Feb 21, 2016 12:03 am
13414 Views
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Six Little Life Wisdoms:
Once all villagers decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella.
That's FAITH
When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her.
That's TRUST
Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarms to wake up.
That's HOPE
We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future.
That's CONFIDENCE
We see the world suffering, but still we get married and have .
That's LOVE
On an old man's shirt was written a sentence 'I am not 80 years old ... I am sweet 16 with 64 years experience.
That's ATTITUDE
Have a happy day. Live your life like the six wisdoms!
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little in a hospital
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Posted:Jan 4, 2016 6:58 pm
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 10:35 pm
14095 Views
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Two little are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
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Hats are better than boots
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Posted:Dec 21, 2015 5:42 pm
Last Updated:Jan 7, 2016 3:43 am
14139 Views
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Hats are better than boots
An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"
Furious, Bert yelled,
"AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope," she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!"
Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, shoulda bought a hat."
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quickie
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Posted:Dec 2, 2015 9:34 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2024 10:35 pm
13886 Views
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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old in the apartment was to send him out onto the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"An ambulance just drove by!"
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike!"
"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"
"Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced... "The Coopers are having sex!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out..."How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
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