house update 2-12-17
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Posted:Feb 12, 2017 9:13 am
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 1:19 pm
4820 Views
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Master bedroom is painted and tiled,
Living room is half painted and 90% tiled,
Kitchen is painted and tiled, have cabinets, just have to install.
2 front bedrooms still to do.
Fireplace room still to do.
So progress is being made, hoping to get done by April,
Then can do some swinging parties.
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A blast from 1910
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Posted:Feb 9, 2017 5:04 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 1:19 pm
5286 Views
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This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! Read on.
The year is 1910 One hundred six years ago. What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1910:
The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.
Fuel for this car was sold in drug stores only.
Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!
The average US wage in 1910 was 22 cents per hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian
between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME.
Ninety percent of all Doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!
Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as ‘substandard.’
Sugar cost four cents a pound.
Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
The Five leading causes of death were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn’t been invented yet.
There was no Mother’s Day or Father’s Day.
Two out of every 10 adults couldn’t read or write and only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.
Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores.
Back then pharmacists said, ‘Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health’
Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.
There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U. S. A.!
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“Lexophile” is a word used to describe those who love using words in unusual sequence
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Posted:Jan 10, 2017 9:18 am
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 1:19 pm
5215 Views
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“Lexophile” is a word used to describe those who love using words in unusual sequence, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.” A competition to see who can express the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. Here are this year’s winning submissions!
When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
... The batteries were given out free of charge.
... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
... A will is a dead giveaway.
... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
... A boiled egg is hard to beat.
... When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
... Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
... A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
And finally:
... Those who get too big for their britches will be totally exposed in the end
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Male Self-Examination For Alzheimer’s Disease
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Posted:Dec 31, 2016 3:24 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 1:19 pm
5349 Views
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Male Self-Examination For Alzheimer’s Disease
If you are male and over 65 years old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer’s test. How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. PNS
4. PUS
5. S_X
6. BOO_S
Answers:
1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS
You got all 6 wrong ... didn’t you?
The good news is you do NOT have Alzheimer’s. You are a pervert.
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Summary Of Life
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Posted:Dec 6, 2016 9:27 am
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 1:19 pm
5916 Views
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Summary Of Life
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second
person.
4) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
5) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down
there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day
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Tweets
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Posted:Nov 30, 2016 10:10 am
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 1:19 pm
6085 Views
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Girl tweets her boyfriend: You wanna come over and eat something my mother made?
He tweets back: What did she make?
Girl sends simple answer: Me!
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Some Potato Humor
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Posted:Nov 28, 2016 2:48 pm
Last Updated:Nov 28, 2016 7:05 pm
6488 Views
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Well, A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called ‘Yam’.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato, ‘ and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.
And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.
And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, ‘Frito Lay.’
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that’s Potato University ) so that when she graduated she’d really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw!
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.
They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he’s just...
Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?
.
.
OK!
Here it is!
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.
.
.
.
.
A COMMONTATER!
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Men are like
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Posted:Nov 14, 2016 1:03 pm
Last Updated:Nov 16, 2016 8:38 pm
6807 Views
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Men are like ... Laxatives ... They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Blenders ... You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... Coffee ... The best ones are rich, warm, & can keep you up all night long.
Men are like ... Commercials ... You can’t believe a word they say.
Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
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Whose fault?
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Posted:Nov 6, 2016 5:23 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 1:19 pm
6681 Views
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Complaints to wife and reply
To My Dearest Wife,
During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn’t succeed more often:
We will wake the - 54 times
It’s too late - 15 times
I’m too tired - 42 times
It’s too early - 12 times
It’s too hot - 18 times
Pretending to be asleep - 31 times
The neighbors will hear - 9 times
Headache or backache - 26 times
Sunburn - 10 times
Your mother will hear us - 9 times
Not in the mood - 21 times
Watching the late show - 17 times
Too sore - 26 times
New hairdo - 6 times
Wrong time of the month - 14 times
You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times
Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let’s try to improve this, shall we??
Love, Your Hubby
To My Dearest Husband,
I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn’t get more than you did this past year:
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times
Did not come home at all - 36 times
Did not come - 21 times
Came too soon - 38 times
Went soft before you got it in - 19 times
Cramps in your leg - 16 times
Working too late - 33 times
You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times
Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times
You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times
You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times
You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times
You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times
Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times
The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn’t want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, “Would you like me on my back or kneeling?” The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your “shortcomings?”
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Gifts for the teacher.
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Posted:Nov 1, 2016 7:22 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 1:19 pm
6429 Views
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On the first day of school, the brought gifts for their teacher.
The supermarket manager’s brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit.
The florist’s brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner’s gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner’s brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit ... She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
“Is it wine?” she guessed. “No,” the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, “Champagne?”
“No,” said the little boy, “It’s a puppy.”
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elderly couple was at home watching TV
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Posted:Oct 24, 2016 6:49 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 1:19 pm
6000 Views
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An elderly couple was at home watching TV.
Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said: “For god’s sake Phil, Leave it on the porn channel. You know how to fish!”
I Bet you didn’t see that coming
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Life just gets better as you get older, doesn’t it?
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Posted:Sep 4, 2016 11:44 pm
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 1:19 pm
7138 Views
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Life just gets better as you get older, doesn’t it?
This guy was in a Starbucks Cafe recently when his stomach started rumbling and realized that he desperately needed to fart. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment, He timed his farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs he started to feel much better. As he finished his coffee he noticed everyone was staring at him. That’s when he suddenly remembered ... that he was listening to his iPod. This is what happens when old people start using technology!!!
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NATURAL LAWS
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Posted:Aug 5, 2016 10:35 am
Last Updated:May 24, 2024 1:19 pm
7847 Views
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NATURAL LAWS
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now
Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to it’s location.
The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!
Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!!
Doctors’ Law - If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.
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