Hind Lick Maneuver
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Posted:Aug 3, 2017 6:43 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 5:28 pm
8508 Views
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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, “Kin ya swallar?”
The woman shakes her head no.
Then he asks, “Kin ya breathe?”
The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, “Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!”
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election qualifications
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Posted:Jul 24, 2017 7:27 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 5:28 pm
7456 Views
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A man walks into the election office and says to the receptionist: “I want to put my name forward for the coming election.”
Receptionist: “Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.”
As he fills in the form, he comes to the question: ‘‘Are you circumcised?”
He turns to the receptionist, and points to the question: “Is this one necessary?”
Receptionist: “Circumcised men are ineligible, sir”.
“Why is that,” he asks?
Receptionist: “To be a genuine politician, you must be a complete prick.”
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What deep things retired men think about
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Posted:Jul 23, 2017 11:33 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 5:28 pm
8369 Views
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What deep things retired men think about
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, “Nothing.” The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” is because she then would have asked, “About what?”
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another .”
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
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Air Lingus
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Posted:Jul 22, 2017 3:52 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 5:28 pm
6214 Views
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Air Lingus
A mother and her young were flying Air Lingus. The , who had been looking out the plane’s window, turned to his mother and said, “Mom, if big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
Stumped, the mother suggested to her that he ask the stewardess. The boy promptly got out of his seat and wandered back to the service area.
“Excuse me,” the boy said to the stewardess. “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
“Did your mother tell you to ask me that?”
“Yes,” he said, nodding his head.
The stewardess whispered in the boy’s ear, “Tell your mother it’s because Air Lingus always pulls out on time.”
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GEOGRAPHY
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Posted:Jul 8, 2017 5:30 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 5:28 pm
4960 Views
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GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa - half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe - well-developed and open to trade, especially
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain - very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece & gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all-conquering past...
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel - has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada - cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet - wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages ... an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 8 and 80, a man is like Iran - ruled by a couple of nuts
THE END!
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Any day now... Think about it
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Posted:Jun 25, 2017 3:11 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 5:28 pm
4938 Views
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Any day now...
- Hello! Gordon’s pizza?
- No sir it’s Google’s pizza.
- So it’s a wrong number? Sorry.
- No sir, Google bought it.
- OK. Take my order please.
- Yes sir, you want the usual?
- The usual? You know me?
- According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheeses, sausage, thick crust.
- OK! This is it.
- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?
- What? I hate vegetables.
- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”
- How do you know?
- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscribers guide.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
- Okay, but I do not want this pizza I already take medicine.
- Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.
- I bought more from another Drugstore.
- It’s not showing on your credit card statement
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash, according to your bank statement
- I have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per your last tax return form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.
- What the hell
- I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you
- Enough! I’m sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp. I’m going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me
- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it expired 6 weeks ago
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Getting Old
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Posted:May 25, 2017 2:36 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 5:28 pm
6696 Views
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After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I have sex with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.”
Later, after examining the man’s elderly wife, the doctor said: “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” She replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?”
“Oh that crazy old fart,” she replied. “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in January.”
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Some random Thoughts
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Posted:May 7, 2017 8:40 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 5:28 pm
6444 Views
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The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
So when is this “old enough to know better” supposed to kick in? I am running out of time.
Have you ever listened to someone for a while and wondered “who ties your shoelaces for you”.
Be careful when you follow the masses ... sometimes the M is silent!
I am not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing. Work fascinates me; I could sit and watch it for hours.
When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead, it’s only difficult for others. It’s the same way when you are stupid.
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
I speak my mind, because it hurts like hell to bite my tongue all the time.
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude ... my personality is “WHO I am.” my attitude depends on “who you are!”
Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum ... then I take a look around and realize maybe I already am.
Remember to set your scale back 10 pounds this week.
I am not saying you’re stupid, I’m just saying you have bad luck when it comes time to think.
I am one step away from being rich; all I need now is money.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of Chapstick
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Eight Words with two Meanings
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Posted:May 3, 2017 9:36 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 5:28 pm
7116 Views
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Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female ... Any part under a car’s hood. Male ... The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female ... Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another. Male ... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female ... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner. Male ... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n. Female ... A desire to get married and raise a family. Male ... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female ... A good movie, concert, play or book. Male ... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female ... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion. Male ... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female ... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male ... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female ... A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male ... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
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Random Thoughts...
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Posted:Apr 21, 2017 9:38 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 5:28 pm
5973 Views
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Random Thoughts...
It’s better to walk alone, than with a crowd going in the wrong direction.
You cannot hang out with negative people and expect to live a positive life.
Dear algebra the please stop asking us to find your X. She’s never coming back and don’t ask Y.
When asked how they managed to stay together for 65 years, the woman replied, “we were born in a time where if something was broke you fixed it ... not thrown it away.”
Be someone that makes you happy.
Never lose hope. You never know what tomorrow may bring.
If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, in what, then, is an empty desk a sign of? Albert Einstein
One of the hardest decisions you’ll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder.
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are a peace, you are living in the present. Lao TZU
“what day is it?” Asked Pooh. “It’s today”, Squeak Piglet. “My favorite day.” Said Pooh.
Music is what feelings this, sounds like.
The mind replays what the heart can’t delete.
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Just a few Puns...
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Posted:Mar 28, 2017 5:21 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 5:28 pm
4780 Views
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Just a few Puns...
1. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
2. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
3. Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says “I think we got this joke wrong”
4. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
5. What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
6. I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said “Thanks” I said “Don’t mention it”
7. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
8. I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.
9. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
10. My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange” I said: “no it doesn’t”
11. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.
12. How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb? Is it one or two? One ... or two?
13. What do we want? Low flying airplane noises! When do we want them? NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.
14. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
15. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
16. What do you call a that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
17. So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world.
18. How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
19. A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
20. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
21. I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
22. This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
23. My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said “40”
24. I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It’s shift work.
25. I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.
26. I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
27. What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke ... timing.
28. Wife says to her programmer husband, “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.” Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.
29. Communism jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.
30. What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
31. What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common. Icy dead people.
32. Knock Knock Who’s There? Dishes Dishes Who? Dishes Sean Connery.
33. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
34. Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other “I need you to help me get to the other side!” The other guy replies “You are on the other side!”
35. I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
36. My friends say there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends ... I really hope it’s Todd, he’s cute.
37. People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones. But people in Abu Dhabi do!
38. Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line” Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
39. I’ve been told I’m condescending. (that means I talk down to people)
40. How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
41. Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.
42. What’s ET short for? He’s only got little legs.
43. What’s the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean.
44. Why aren’t koalas actual bears? They don’t meet the koalafications
45. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
46. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
47. Some people think it’s romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date. I’m more worried about why they’re bringing a knife on their date.
48. 2 cows are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, “You ever worry about that mad cow disease?”. The other cow says, “Why would I care? I’m a helicopter!”.
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difference between erotic and kinky?
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Posted:Mar 1, 2017 1:57 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 5:28 pm
6027 Views
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What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
With erotic you use a feather; with kinky you use the whole damn chicken!
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A little biology humor
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Posted:Feb 26, 2017 10:25 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 5:28 pm
5015 Views
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In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.
A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, “If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?”
“That’s correct.” responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data.
Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”.
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned.
However, as she was going out of the door, the professor’s reply was a classic.
Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, “It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!
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