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| Blogs > mezdecc > Quest to Learn about me |
Why a sub is MY true Hero
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Why a sub is MY true Hero  Little nervous to post this cause I keep seeming to post somehow wrong... I feel like this one is ok. Assuming anyone partners with me and they are ok with it I would like to document the experience via this blog... Ty for support and reading. My desire for control is something relatively newly discovered in my life. I would like to think I have been a courteous lover. Attempting to almost always put my partner first. So I gave. I gave and I gave and I gave. I gave with my sex life. I gave to god and country (shattered ankle from time in Army). This family business that was thrust upon me, I have given to that too. Given so much that there isn’t much left to give. To give something is to relinquish it. To give up control or possession of. I can’t give of myself until I can feel in control again.... Let me paint the picture of the past few years and this family business. I have become a bit of a workaholic. So quick backstory, my father wanted to leave a "legacy" or something that could help family have income after he was gone. To make a long story short he decided to open a vapeshop. My sister and her husband and wife and I were supposed to basically run it but within 3 months I was the only one working the shop, while at time managing a Dollar General as well. I couldn't leave DG because part of the arrangement was to work the first year for free to "payback" fathers investment, aka retirement, and to grow the business. Sink as much money back in as possible. So I needed the income from Dollar General. Wife worked as a full time nurse. (I am married, and have 3 daughters, oldest of whom just graduated from Radford). So almost 4 years ago, only a couple months after we opened our doors I was the last man standing.Wife brought home the bread and I was just trying to hold things together. So began my habits of extreme "work". I would put in my 40-50 at DG and then another 60+ at the vapeshop. I was learning the business, my customers, products, but by end of the first year I was turning a profit. I was in control though. I, while not thrilled with the prospect, was prepared to give of myself and sacrifice those hours at home, and family time, etc. so the wife didnt have to. So that my fathers investment wouldn't vanish. Through that first year while I was still pulling double duty, I had to hire some employees. Between theft and/or an undesire to work it further drove home the fact that I had to maintain more control. I couldn’t depend on these guys. So the start of year 2 I was able to finally leave DG and focus 100% on the business. Also, I was able to start drawing a "check" from the shop. Paying myself minimum wage I made up my mind just to continue pressing. I controlled day to day operations, ordering, you name it. As I began expanding I also became a product of my own success. I wore every hat open to close 7 days a week and had created my own prison within. When I am invested in something, I'm 'all-in'. I don't know half measures. If you have my focus, I have a tendency to shut everything else out, for better or worse. But because I was in control, I could give. It was a choice. It was paying off.... I had quadrupled revenue. It’d taken awhile, 120+ hours a week for a long time to get to this point. Without opening a second shop or doing something illegal options were limited on how to grow. Through networking, I built a brand of ejuice from conception to market. Manning phones, designing, marketing. Launched our brand which in essence was a 2nd whole nother business. I’m in control. I can keep giving. So from 10a-8p I worked shop, then 8p til 5am or so I networked through social media's, talking to UK, China, Youtube promoters, you name it. Social media is a full time job in and of itself. I can be a little controlling (pun intended), with the business, as I feel it's "my baby", same can be said for the brand. You only get one chance to make a first impression and ours was stellar. Reviews, fans, hype. It was all paying off. Investing in myself and banking on it. I had the winning ticket just needed to cash it. Pumping money into product and marketing I leverage the brand and instead of pitching myself to shops, shops were calling me. All this sacrifice, all these efforts, the money shot was here.... ....and then it crashes down. We now have the “vaping epidemic” and states are banning flavors. One of the first 2 states, New York is where my juice was manufactured. Over $20k lost in a blink. Businesses fleeing the state... it’s out of control. I am standing amidst a tornado and nothing makes sense. I have been stunned. For as much as I invested in time, money, and energy to suddenly have it stolen away, to realize how little control you have... I have nothing left to give. I am used up. Exhausted. Alone. I lay here alone on the floor of my shop, my personal home for these past 6 months, screaming and kicking on the inside, emotionless on the outside. I don’t have it in me, used up. How... Why...What..I typically sleep 2-4 hours a night if at all... this night I slept and I dreamt. Pieces started falling into place. I know the man I am. I know the heart I have. I can and I will succeed, even if it kills me. When I’m in control I know I can give endlessly. That sounds almost contrary to how I started this blog, that to give something you have to lose control of it, but what if you gaining control just as fast as you giving it. What kind of lengths could I go with that support? There’s a way out. I will find it. That being said. I can't do it alone.... not like I have been. I need to find my anchor. My surety. My sub. The one area I know I can find control. Whomever this person is, understand that this will be a therapy for me. I am not a violent man by nature, but lately cracks have begun to appear. I say this not as any threat, or even a warning, just as an honest introspection. I want 100% clarity going into this and that we both are invested. It means the world to me and makes my heart smile that there are those of you out there willing to take on a burdens like this. While it might not be typically acceptable I want to let each of you know you are some truly remarkable individuals and I have the highest respect for you, (on the offchance I spanking u later). Whichever person that decides to partner with me, a sincere thank you. I will be taking from you... alot. That psychological circuit you connect for me gives me the fortitude to press on. I want to make a commitment to you to meet whatever need has brought you to this point. A fear, phobia, a strength or weakness, need or want I will do my utmost to meet my obligation to you. Communication is key. I am willing to push my boundaries in an effort to help you be the person you are to be. Whether sexual or not, sensory deprivation or anything else, let’s talk and discuss and see how to proceed. I want to invite any Dom's that might like to mentor or just sit in an opportunity to do so. With the caveat that you respect my house and understand there is more than 1 way to reach a goal. That being said, I want to learn as much as everyone is willing to give. Finally, thank you for having me. You have no idea how close I have felt to breaking these past couple weeks, that it's been a breath of fresh air to be here. I thank you and humbly salute each of you. Now, let's bring Master to the forefront shall we.... For you subs that are interested, I will host and if you to talk over pc that is fine, or if you want to come in person, that is also fine. I know there is a meet-up function I may utilize. But if you just want to comment availablity, I will try and start scheduling ASAP. Thank you so very much and hopefully this was enlightening.. If you have any questions please ask. |
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