Wax from Hell
|
Posted:May 17, 2009 3:44 pm
Last Updated:Dec 31, 2013 1:49 pm
32367 Views
|
This is my all time favorite "story"- Some of you may have seen it before...
I hope you get a kick out of it as I have - EVERY time I read it.
SORRY IT IS SO LONG - It's totally worth the read!!
Should I wax or not.....???
The first thing you should know is that hair removal is not
my friend. The particular talent of removing unwanted
hair has eluded me. All methods have tricked me with their
promises of easy, painless removal. The Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, Nair, the EpilStop, and now .... The Wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came
home from work, fixed dinner for myself and watched TV for
a while. I then had the thought that would ring painfully
in my mind for the next couple of hours: "Maybe I should
use that wax in my medicine cabinet."
So I headed to the site of my demise, um, I mean bathroom.
It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg (or wherever) and ignore the frantically rising crescendo of string instruments in
the background.
No muss, no fuss. How hard can this be? I
mean, I'm not the girly-est of girls but I'm mechanically
inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. At least
you'd think so. So I pull one of the thin strips out.
It's two strips facing each other, stuck together,
with wax in-between them. I'm supposed to rub it in
my hand to warm and soften the wax (I'm guessing). I
go one better. I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB up to ten thousand degrees.
Cold wax, my ass. (Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.) I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull.
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it
wasn't bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes
me! I am Sheera, fighter of all wayward body hair, with smooth skin extraordinary!
With my next wax strip, I move north. I sneak into the bathroom for The Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my labia, stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long strip.)
I inhale deeply. I brace myself. RRRIIIIPPP!!!! I'm
blind! Blind from the pain! Vision returning. Oh crap.
I've managed to pull off half an inch of the strip. Another
deep breath. And RIIIP!
Everything is swirly and tie-dyed? Do I hear crashing drums?
OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy -
my wax covered pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to
revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold medallist.
But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone?
Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?
Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the
toilet. I see hair - the hair that should be on the strip.
I touch. I feel. I am touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout Nooooo!!"
And realize I have just begun living my own personal version of The Tar Baby.
I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of
my body that is now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake - up until this point, you'll
remember, I've had my foot on the toilet. I know I need
to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor.
And then I hear the slamming of the "cell door."
Vagina? ... Sealed shut.
Ass? ...... Sealed shut.
A little voice in my head says "I hope you don't
have to poo anytime soon. Your head just might pop off."
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying desperately
to figure out what I should do next. Hot water! Hot water
melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and
get in - the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away,
right?
Wrong. I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than
is used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical
equipment. And I sit. Now the only thing worse than having
your goodies glued together is having them glued together
and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot water.
Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.
So now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub. I call my friend
because she once dropped out of beauty school so surely
she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin.
It's never good to start a conversation with "So
my ass and woohoo are stuck to the tub." She doesn't
have a trick. But she does do her best to suppress her laughter.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass, and
asks, "Are we talking cheek or hole, here?"
she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles
now. I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells
me to call the number on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax actually is. You know that if we were working the help line at XXX Wax Co. and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth.
While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping
the wax off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the
girly goodies than covering them in wax, sticking them
to a tub in super hot water and THEN dry shaving the sticky
wax off!
In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably
turned to other subjects!) I find the little, beautiful saving grace that is the lotion provided with wax to remove the excess. I rub some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!"
I get hearty congratulations from my friend and we hang
up. I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair is still there.
So I just shaved it all off instead.
I was numb by that point anyway. And then I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a mustache
might start to come in.
Tonight, I attempt hair dying, and all my friends can't
wait
|
|
|
24
Comments
|
|
Sick or What ??
|
Posted:Jul 27, 2007 9:11 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2011 4:08 pm
24485 Views
|
This is my very first blog..... So please be nice.
2 weeks ago I woke up at 6am because my neighbors (in their pajamas w/baby in arms) were pounding on my door, screaming that I had a 'stranger bleeding to death in my back yard'....
What a way to wake up!
I have 6ft cement block walls around my yard, WTF! I looked out my back patio door - I saw no one. (I still wonder why my didn't bark...)
I quickly got dressed and ran back outside to see 5 cop cars, an ambulance and fire truck in front of MY yard. I was instructed to stay in the front yard while the cops swarmed the neighborhood and our backyards for a stranger that obviously has lost a TON of blood.
It wasn't difficult to find him.... He left trails of blood everywhere he went. The cops said he went through some glass doors and cut through an artery. (every heart beat -> SPURTS/SPRAYS blood)
Cops say he had been up all night partying.
Anyway, he jumped my neighbor's 6ft fence first and pounded on their window to get help. When my neighbors tried to call 911, the dude jumped over the fence into MY yard.
He spurted blood all over (remember it's a cut artery) their window & yard, the fences (mine and neighbors), the wood piles, the patios, the chairs, the grill, clothes on the line, (you get the point) SICK!
I don't think I've seen that much blood before.
He ended up jumping back over my fence on the opposite side of my yard. He stumbled down the street, and was found by the cops 2 houses down.
He had to be on some Meth or something... How the hell do you jump 6ft cement block fences when you are bleeding so badly??
I was left with a yard of blood splatters and no one willing to help clean it up! The cops just said - "use bleach/water it will kill the germs". uuuuhhhhh WTF ????
I have NO idea who this man was and what kind of diseases he may have? Is that wrong of me to be freaked out about cleaning up some stranger's blood?
I even called Haz-Mat and Bio-Haz company about the risks and clean up.... I can't believe I HAD to clean it up. SICK
I don't have a clue if the guy even lived....
Ok, I thought I'd share - I'm done venting!
|
|
|
19
Comments
|
|
