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Sometimes there is no right answer
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Sometimes there is no right answer The midgets had no school Friday. I told their dad this well beforehand so that if he wanted some extra time with them, and wanted to schedule something fun with them, he could easily. He told me that if he wasn't working he'd pick them up earlier than he has been and do something with them. He knows that the oldest one has counselling Fridays at 4, but the rest of the day was free. I never got a phone call to say anything either way, so I assumed he was working. Then while driving the midgets to the bank to deposit their allowances we saw him driving though town, obviously not working. I called to ask when he was going to get them, as he knows I work every Friday night. He didn't answer his cell. I left a message explaining that I saw he wasn't working, it was his time to have the , and I'd really like a time when he was going to get them so I could have my mom not have to come down and babysit. It's not her responsibility to watch the , it's his. Not bitchy, not accusatory, just factual. No call back.  After about 15 minutes I tried calling again. Nothing. I kept dialing until it started to go straight to voice mail. The fucker had turned his cell off. One more quick message conveying my displeasure at his obvious irresponsibility. This one was bitchy.  He didn't pick them up until 7:30. My mom did have to sit. I was not happy of course, but what am I gonna do? No message conveying my displeasure is going to do anything. Obviously the selfish bastard had something "more important" going on than watching the 4 female progeny he helped create. When I picked up the midgets yesterday, the oldest was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she told me she never wanted to go back to her dad's apartment ever again. She told me that he threatened her and that he doesn't really care about her. (The specific threat according to her, was that he was going to put her head through a wall if she didn't do what he said.) Now I know that she is very prone to drama, and is not the most truthful I have ever met. I take everything she says with a grain of salt, sometimes two. Yet, it's important that she feels heard and cared about, and not every word out of her mouth is an out and out lie. So I turned on my MP3 player in the van, called their dad while outside of my vehicle, still outside his apartment so I could both watch the midgets, and make sure that they could not hear what I was saying. I simply asked him why his was crying, making sure not to sound accusatory. He tells me that she wasn't listening to him, (not a shocker) and that he'd threatened to punish her if she didn't. I say okay, I get it, not out of line. I tell him what she said, the specific threat. Silence. Stammering. Then denial. I tell him I'm not accusing, just concerned that she's saying these things, and that she's so upset that she doesn't want to come back, what can we do about this? What I get in return is that he doesn't care if she wants to come back or not, he's tired of the "and everybody" saying stuff about him, and he doesn't care anymore. He doesn't care if any of them ever come back again.  I understand being upset, I understand being frustrated, and I understand a lot of other things, but I don't understand how a man that is father to 5 can write them all off so easily. I also know that he says a lot of things while upset. I got kinda used to that when we were together. His that is now living with his grandmother, he's violent and disturbed from the years of abuse he suffered at his birth mothers and step-fathers hands. He attacked his father last week. The police became involved. That (15 now, not a "" much longer) I understand the frustration dealing with him. He obviously needs more structured help than he's getting. I get that there's a lot of stress involved in all of that, with the ex of that relationship, the counselors, school, etc. Whatever. It's not like that with the girls though. I don't know if they're getting the backlash of that frustration, or if the man is truly burning out not having a partner to pick up all of the slack anymore. (Ie. me) I don't know if the midgets are truly having that bad of a time at their fathers, or if they're just upset at being punished. (Some days they hate me too.) I don't know if there is anything I can do to make the situation better for the , and if there is, I don't know what that is. I can only do what I can do, I obviously can't change their father or his behavior. I worry about their safety being with someone that is obviously under so much stress and frustration, yet I'm not convinced that there is a clear danger. I don't want to put my in an unsafe environment ever, yet I don't know that they are/were in one. Unpleasant for sure, but unsafe, I don't know. I don't know if he meant what he said, or was just pissed off. There are so many unknowns that I just am not sure what my next step should be, or if I need to take any. I don't think it's right to have their father not see them at all. I don't think that anything would be solved by involving any state social workers at the moment. And I don't think that any court action would be beneficial for anyone at this time. So I'm kinda stuck in limbo right now, just waiting for the answer, if there is one to strike me. Anywho, it's kinda therapy like to write this all out and to see it all in black and white. Any ideas? Anyone else dealing with something like this? Input is always appreciated.  |
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I am not directly dealing with something like this but my sister certainly is. I'll keep it brief and say that she has now taken on the responsibility of 'looking after' her 20 yer old daughter's three young children, rather than have them taken into care. Her daughter is not a bad mother as such, but she has no real love and can't bond with them. The father actually wanted them put into care after they split up, in other words he wanted no responsibility either. To top it all, my sisters' daughter has been in another relationship and has recently had another baby who is still in hospital for the simple reason that it might still be taken away from her while waiting for a court hearing. Do you think my sister did the right thing in not bonding with her daughter's new baby until she waits to see what happens? 
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You could try sending him an email. Maybe when he is calmer and thinks about it a better solution can be found. I imagine 4 of them can be a bit stressful at times. My ex gets frustrated with the one we have left to take care of. I have him most of the time and he often complains about going to see her. Perhaps it will blow over with some time. My ex often says terrible things she doesn't mean. So I kind of understand what your saying about yours. Sapere aude, cor ad cor loquitur. RaMbLiNgS oF a LoSt MiNd
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She's feeling okay for the time being, I just wish I knew what the right thing to do is.  Thanks for the thoughts.
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I am not directly dealing with something like this but my sister certainly is. I'll keep it brief and say that she has now taken on the responsibility of 'looking after' her 20 yer old daughter's three young children, rather than have them taken into care. Her daughter is not a bad mother as such, but she has no real love and can't bond with them. The father actually wanted them put into care after they split up, in other words he wanted no responsibility either. To top it all, my sisters' daughter has been in another relationship and has recently had another baby who is still in hospital for the simple reason that it might still be taken away from her while waiting for a court hearing. Do you think my sister did the right thing in not bonding with her daughter's new baby until she waits to see what happens? I'm sure it's a hard thing for your sister to be looking after 3 grandchildren.
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You could try sending him an email. Maybe when he is calmer and thinks about it a better solution can be found. I imagine 4 of them can be a bit stressful at times. My ex gets frustrated with the one we have left to take care of. I have him most of the time and he often complains about going to see her. Perhaps it will blow over with some time. My ex often says terrible things she doesn't mean. So I kind of understand what your saying about yours. I just wish he was more of a "natural parent". He's actually far too selfish to do what's right for them most of the time. Maybe I can come up with an idea that will sooth that self-serving side of him that will be good for the children...  Verbal abuse hurts a lot too. 
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Thank you. Things always work out one way or the other. 
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Taking two at a time isn't really an option unless he finds a babysitter for the other two. He only takes them Friday night until Sunday morning/early afternoon as it is because I'm working Friday and Saturday nights and sleeping during the day Saturday. The oldest isn't responsible enough to either stay let alone to watch the younger ones. The man pays $0 child support per our agreement. If he's having such a hard time, he should cough up some $ and get them a babysitter, have some of his family help out, or any other number of options open to him. Or hell, just talk to me about it and try to come up with a solution that's good for the kids... I'll talk with him when he doesn't have his back up so much, and or email him with the issues. Good thing I act like an adult.
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Been there, done that. He felt that it was a step towards getting me back. It was messy and not good for the midgets. If he missed the kids so much I imagine he'd make more time to spend with them, I'm not standing in his way. Read some of my earlier posts and you'll see the lengths I've gone to trying to be a good co-parent, doing things with the ex for the kids, etc, etc, and the results. He honestly just hasn't a clue how to be a really good dad, and will take zero direction from anyone, regardless of their intentions. I tried for years to suggest things gently and honestly it was probably very selfish of me to have more children with him after the first... It's something I have to bear a lot of responsibility over to my great shame. Not that I'd ever regret having any of them, I just knew better, and did anyways not wanting my child bearing years to pass me by, and thinking I was in a relationship that I could handle on my own. 
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1/18/2010 4:52 pm |
To be honest, not a clue. You're obviously worried for the right reasons, so take what comfort you can from that. Echoing Don. At least you can blog about it here. Hugs to you. X
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To be honest, not a clue. You're obviously worried for the right reasons, so take what comfort you can from that. Echoing Don. At least you can blog about it here. Hugs to you. X
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1/18/2010 10:10 pm |
This is a shitty situation. Sometimes it's just wording to get your point across. I once got into a huge fight with my ex wife because I told my stepson that if he touched the light switch again I'd break his arm off. It was obviously an exaggeration to make a point, but of course she went ape shit, which hurt because I believed she knew me better then that. But by the same token, people say shit like that and mean it everyday. The fact that he's saying he just doesn't care anymore is especially troubling. If he's saying he really doesn't care if any of them come back and is making threats to them, maybe you should give him what he wants for awhile. Get it in writing from him that he doesn't want visitation at the present time, and stop dropping them off. Is he blowing off his responsibilities? Yes. Should you have to do it all by yourself? Fuck no. But will either of those two things matter if something happens to any of the children? There is no amount of punishment that can bring a child back and seemingly normal people snap all the time, especially when they're selfish assholes to start with. I don't know if you have enough ammo to forcably stop visits, but if he's starting to break, give him the option of spending less time with them. It's not fair to you or the kids, but fair doesn't me dick if something happens. He might think he gets a free pass, but when the children are older they will remember who was there for them and who wasn't. That's the problem with Karma, it's takes a long fucking time. I really wish I had a better answer, and I'm not saying the answer I'm giving is the right one, but I think this is what I would do............either that or pay some fat cheese eating bastard to take his selfish ass out, but the first option is much cheaper.
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This is a shitty situation. Sometimes it's just wording to get your point across. I once got into a huge fight with my ex wife because I told my stepson that if he touched the light switch again I'd break his arm off. It was obviously an exaggeration to make a point, but of course she went ape shit, which hurt because I believed she knew me better then that. But by the same token, people say shit like that and mean it everyday. The fact that he's saying he just doesn't care anymore is especially troubling. If he's saying he really doesn't care if any of them come back and is making threats to them, maybe you should give him what he wants for awhile. Get it in writing from him that he doesn't want visitation at the present time, and stop dropping them off. Is he blowing off his responsibilities? Yes. Should you have to do it all by yourself? Fuck no. But will either of those two things matter if something happens to any of the children? There is no amount of punishment that can bring a child back and seemingly normal people snap all the time, especially when they're selfish assholes to start with. I don't know if you have enough ammo to forcably stop visits, but if he's starting to break, give him the option of spending less time with them. It's not fair to you or the kids, but fair doesn't me dick if something happens. He might think he gets a free pass, but when the children are older they will remember who was there for them and who wasn't. That's the problem with Karma, it's takes a long fucking time. I really wish I had a better answer, and I'm not saying the answer I'm giving is the right one, but I think this is what I would do............either that or pay some fat cheese eating bastard to take his selfish ass out, but the first option is much cheaper.  I'm just beating my own head against a fucking wall. You never do know when someone will just snap. That above all is what worries me. I need to get all my ducks in a row so to speak, and then do what I need to do. I think it may end up getting uglier.
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Unfortunately he will only do what it interests him to do. He's above all worried about himself. I will have to appeal to his own self interest in order to do what is best for the midgets. If he continues with financial support, There isn't any of that to begin with, which is not my issue with him. I could care less about his money, just the midgets happiness and safety. Thanks for your words and support. It does help to know that I'm not completely alone in my most stressful moments.
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Yes, it is always good to keep a record of everything. I learned that while working on getting his kids away from an extremely abusive situation. I've never kept the kids from their father, and don't intend to do that even if he has to have supervised visits, visits will always be open to him. I just don't know what kind of support he needs, or will accept...but I'm thinking on it. Thanks for your comment. I always appreciate the conversation here and support.
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I always feel better after talking with you. Thanks for being there for me Seek! 
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Immature, selfish, yep, yep. Ass? Absolutely. Makes me wish someone would kick his ass really, verbally and then maybe even physically.  Eh, whatever, he'll always be an ass I'm sure. On the bright side, I don't have to deal with him anymore except for about the midgets. 
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1/20/2010 2:46 am |
"Makes me wish someone would kick his ass really, verbally and then maybe even physically." I'll do it!
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"Makes me wish someone would kick his ass really, verbally and then maybe even physically." I'll do it! 
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