Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > rm_bonogirl1 > Enigma |
Sometimes i Feel Like I Dont Have a Problem...
|
Sometimes i Feel Like I Dont Have a Problem... But then i wake up and realize that they havent gone away at all. Things get better and something else goes wrong.Ive had days when i wanted that drink so fucking bad,that i held the bottle..i even smelled the alcohol..and put it away.But i was that close to just losing myself in a drunken haze for a day or so,just so that i wouldnt think,or couldnt think.. Its been a very very very hard 5 months for me.I kept wanting to come here and blog,because thats how i get some of my pain out.But i couldnt even do that.And thats not me,i usually let it all hang out here in my lil blog.I member,oh hell a year or so ago when i was talking about my sobriety and that id get here and blog and it took my mind off of drinking.And that if i did happen to screw up that id have to blog about it,cause thats just the way i am,maybe too honest.I know one person here knows exactly what i mean,not gonna mention his name,but he knows who he is..lol.I read his blog sometimes when i felt like drinking and it helped me.I am SOOOOO far behind you guys' blogs,i dont know that i will ever be able to get caught up.But til i get to ya,i hope that you all are doing well and that ive missed reading all of you.God,i think i lost 40 readers,lol.I did see that a LOT of people have stopped blogging and left the site,i never had that intention,still dont.But it is a lil sad when you see someone gone that you were close to,ya know what i mean? I have a weird question,i dont know if anyone has an answer or if there even is an answer,but its been on my mind and in my heart since January.Specifically,the day my gram passed away.I find myself counting the days,138,and i dont think that is normal.lve been trying to take things one day at a time,but it still hurts like a bitch and somehow i dont know that it will ever go away.Me and my Mom were talking,and we were thinking back to 2-3 years ago and tried to think if we ever noticed anything different in her behavior-that we might have missed something that might have saved her.I know that i was closest to her-lived only bout 1/2 mile from her and id talk two,three times a day to her...it was a rare day that she didnt take a drive over to my house,even just for a few minutes.The only thing that i noticed in the last few years was that she would repeat herself sometimes,but i didnt think that was anything more than her getting older.I never said anything to her because i didnt wanna embarrass her.Weird thing..i member talking to her,oh..bout 2 yrs ago and telling her that she should start to look into nursing homes for my grandpap,that he was just stressing her out pretty bad.She agreed with me one day,the next she didnt.. and i couldnt make her do anything,wasnt my right.She was always worried what would happen to my grandfather if she passed before he did..that she didnt think that anyone would try to help him out or visit or call him..cause we are the dysfunctional family from hell.I knew my Mom wouldnt or couldnt do it-even before her own medical problems.Partially from him abusing her when she was young they were like fire and ice,and then at other times they were just exactly alike.Both my sisters live too far away to visit and for some reason i dont think they even want to..they both have their issues with him,but a phone call wouldnt kill them,ya know?I have thoughts sometimes of screaming..Dammit i was abused too,he took my childhood away and put me in hell for more years than i want to even think about..that they werent the only ones that were hurt by him. But its come down to me doing what has to be done.Ive pretty much forgiven him,or at least put it so far back in my head that i dont think about it.Ive been trying to find a place that i can get him to go to,he is in a nursing home and he has his own private area i think that hes the only one thats even in his side of the home. My brother Jeff goes down maybe twice a month..sometimes takes our pap out to eat and look at a yard sale or something,take a ride.. anything to get him out of the home.I wish i could do that,but our car is an Elantra and its a small car,i dont know how i could get him and his wheelchair in it.But Jeff has a SUV...can take him places that i cant do.But my grandpap needs to see a doctor,he was planning on just going to the ER instead of making a Dr appt,im not too sure i agree with that,but he needs his chest xrayed,he needs his skin cancer checked..hes had several heart attacks and just need s checked all over really.I sometimes wish that i had the room to have him here,but i dont..and he isnt too wild about the idea of staying with someone.I try to get down as often as i can..few times a week,brought him candy(he has a huge sweeetooth,lol)and i bout him new shoes and socks and underwear and t-shirts,razors and cologne,toothbrushes and paste,i try to think of everything,some times i lose it though and dont remember a damn thing,lol. My whole family(cept Mom)STILL think that he has this major bank account,that when my gram passed away that i didnt give them any thing,my God im ashamed to be related to these people.She didnt even have enough insurance for her funeral,im paying on that,but they dont see that,they pretty much ignore me anymore and ya know in a way its sad because we are getting older and arent close at all...but on the other side,least i dont have to see them or deal with them.Of course i DO have his checkbooks and his atm card in case he wants to buy something,and if not the money is still in his account.Christ,my niece stole his Drivers License,his Health insurance card and his old atm card amoungst other things that i dont even know about.Luckily the PIN was so obvious that they were not able to use it(it was my grandparents phone number,lol)but im doing this because my gram asked me when she was still able to talk and all,and i promised that i would do as much as i could for him,and that i was the only one that they both trusted with their finances.So i pay his rent there at the home,and his other bills sometimes that doesnt leave much left,but if he needs money or something,i give him some of my money if he doesnt have enough in the bank. God...i neeeeeeeed a vacation.Badly.I dont see that happening this year unless its a trip to Lake Erie,i like that place and its only a couple hour drive.But thats on the back burner too,til things get a little easier.But even if we dont get to do that,weve been getting our swimming pool ready to go,just waiting on the weather. But its supposed to be almost 90 tomorrow..i think its time for a swim,lol. Talked with my Mom today,she had her stem cell transplant done on May 14th,and she did have a bad first week or so after,but she was telling me that her white blood cells and her platelets are coming back on their own and the doctors were pleased with that..one told her that she might be able to come home Friday.I dont know that i agree with that,seems too soon for me..and she HAS to get her immune system back to normal,id feel better if she stayed another week or so,even though i miss the hell outta her.I member some of you were praying for her and i thank you a million times over for that-but i myself was kinda afraid to pray cause i prayed so hard for my gram and that wasnt meant to be.Thank God that things are looking better for her,for a while there when i wasnt blogging,i was terrified that id lose both my gram and my mom,and that would have about done me in.. My oldests' graduation is the 19th of June,but its clear in oh... Lancaster.A pretty long distance from where we are.I talked with him and he doesnt really want to go.Im so pround of him for even graduating that if he doesnt want to go,im just going to take him out to dinner and give him money.Its kind of weird cause Tims is also graduating this year and his gram has a party planned,God knows how much she will do for him,and i cant compare with that for Michael,even though i wish that i could.I quit school when i was 14..got my GED when i was 18,but it wasnt the same.But im really proud of him,he's been my rock.Its kinda cool--Mikeys cyber school is the same one that Aaron Kelly from Idol goes to.So i can email him if i wanna,Mike had a class with him,it was neat. Speaking of Idol..and i think that i said some of this in my other post today,i honestly think that im done with Idol.Simon leaving.. the complete lack of real talent this year(no Adam,no DC)just has been a shitty year.Tonight i think that Crystal showed that she wanted it more,but i still was rooting for Lee.I was a little disappointed that the singers kinda outplaced Lee with 2 of his 3 songs.The Boxer was really good(even though im not all that famili ar with it)but i think that Everybody Hurts was a great choice for his voice IF he wouldnt have been drowned out.And of course the U2 song..hehe..i really wanted him to open up and rock that one out. Course hes no Bono,but i didnt like all the singers with him on that one either.Crystals songs ,well we all knew she'd do Janis... and i HATE HATE HATE that Black Velvet song,but Crystal did change it up-even though it was still unbearable for me,lol.Her last song id never heard before,so i dont even know what its from,cant think how to compare it,lol.I did vote some for Lee...couldnt get through for a good while,then was able to slip a few in,and then i remembered that it was 4 hrs voting,so i spent the last 10 mins voting for him.But even though Dial Idol has a 5 point lead for Lee and that theyve been right almost every year but 1 that they didnt predict the winner.So i guess we'll find out tomorrow.But for some reason,i dont see what catagory that Crystal would fit. Lee of course,the rocker,but Crystals an enigma.If the show is a set up,Lee is easier to be marketable.Doesnt really matter to me this year though...got my babe DC...and Adam continually blows me away... God i gotta get off here i think...didnt see that its almost 4 AM and i need to get a shower and all that good stuff before Tim gets home from work in the AM. Hope that you all have a great day,i'll try to do a lil blog after Idol...but i have 8 million things to do,so it might not be til Thursday or Friday,lol Pic...hehe,MY Idol.... Love ya guys much...  She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2) |
|||
5/26/2010 9:32 am |
 Gotta luv DC!!! sorry I haven't been on here much, too much going on at home front and by the time I do get the time, I am too exhausted  but know this sweetie, I miss the hell outta ya and will try to come in on mornings   friendships is like a diamond, always forever   
| ||
|
Gotta luv DC!!! sorry I haven't been on here much, too much going on at home front and by the time I do get the time, I am too exhausted but know this sweetie, I miss the hell outta ya and will try to come in on mornings love to you sweetie.. She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
|
Become a member to create a blog
